Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

The eldest of my pack is Kiwi. She is my ride or die. She's 9 years old. I've been hers and her mine since she was 6 weeks old. She bit my nose the day I got her. I knew that she was going to be my dog. She chose me. The people who gave her to me called her sassy, which is still appropriate to this day. She is my first sassy dog. The one who started it all. Probably the reason why my dogs are all a bit sassy. Upon coming into our lives, she decided that she was to be our guardian. She is named Kiwi because she has fur the color of a kiwi fruit and she had green eyes. She is an Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. She is one of the smartest dogs I've ever met. She smiles. She is very protective and has endured many difficult times. Living with Joe and watching him go was hard for her. She became hypervigilant over me and my son. For many years, she was afraid. She didn't sleep soundly for years. Today she is the grand dame. Grandma Kiwi. She is surrounded by

Since it is monsoon season here in the presert, I had a full blown storm last night. Complete with wind, rain, thunder and lightning. That being said, today I play my favorite game, pick up my belongings that are now spread all over the place. The wind likes to play too, so she will fling light objects out of my grasp or throw sand in my eyes. She is a mischievous resident of the presert. I count this as my exercise for the day. I've been out here for quite some time, so I don't have to chase down as many things as I did in the beginning of my adventure here. I still have to play. Things that haven't moved in months are suddenly rolled across the ground or thrust into the air only to land somewhere in the distance. This used to take me an hour or two. A couple miles of walking. Today I got in about 20 minutes and not much walking. I guess it's a good time to pull my weeds, maybe. And with 7 dogs, I definitely see sweeping in my near future. I'm happy to play this ga

22 years ago today I married the father of my child, my best friend, my partner in crime, my love. We promised forever, through everything. We were going to grow old together. Sitting on a porch swing, watching grandchildren play. Heads full of gray hair and faces wrinkled with many years of laughter and tears. However that wasn't the reality. The last anniversary we shared was our 16th. He was gone only months before our 17th anniversary. We shared 20 years together. We endured much sickness due to Joe's multiple sclerosis. We had many wonderful times and many horrible times. Somehow we made it work through all of it. Today I have gotten through 6 wedding anniversaries without him. I miss him greatly on this day. We were supposed to have forever. I am so grateful for the time I got, but I wanted more. I wanted forever. Today is a tough day, but I'm going to get through it. Much love, Ceeeej 

In February 2021, I had taken a trip to Colorado. I had a neighbor taking care of my 4 dogs. I arrived home in early March, and discovered an inquisitive fuzzy golden colored puppy, about 3 months old. I called my neighbor and asked him about the dog. He said that she just showed up one day. She was friendly and curious. Apparently the girls had allowed her to stay. They were fence free back then, because they didn't go far. I noticed her collar was tight, so I removed it. Thankfully I have tiny fingers. I noticed her belly had several cuts, and she was very skinny. She had a wildness to her and she liked everyone. She instantly won my heart and I named her Lucky. Less than a month later, Roxy had 2 little boys. On April Fool's. I named them Dude and Little Brother. I decided to keep them both, and suddenly I had 7 dogs. Roxy was a fantastic mother, but very soon she was over them and I moved them into the bus. She is an outside dog, by her choice, but she would pee

A young child disappears around 5pm on  Monday June 24, 1946, days before her 3rd birthday. She lives near the Flynn ditch in Missoula, Montana. She was born in Hawaii, where her father was stationed and her mother was born and raised. A beautiful blonde child with curls and an angelic face. Her father, along with the sheriff and the police, search tirelessly for days. While her mother waited at home. Praying that her child and her husband would return safely. The police didn't think that she had been kidnapped, but they didn't rule it out. They received some anonymous tips regarding a vehicle at a nearby service station that had been seen around the same time as the child's disappearance. On Sunday July 7th, 1946, a man that worked on the ditch found her. What a horrible day that day must have been for her parents, even worse than the days leading up to her being found. She had been missing for nearly 2 weeks. Her father, my grandfather, and her mother, my gran

In 2018 I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I had no idea what that meant and I didn't understand how it happened. I wasn't in combat, so how could I have PTSD and what did the complex part mean. I had developed complex PTSD from a lifetime of trauma. My entire life was a reaction, because of the traumas. I was unaware that I had been drug around my life by PTSD. I didn't know what to do next. I had just lost my husband. Suddenly I couldn't "manage" my PTSD any longer. I was unable to be in crowds without a panic attack. I was overrun with anxiety. I felt out of control and broken. I'd been so high functioning for so long and now I could barely leave my house. I'm not the type of person who seeks help, especially from head shrinkers, psychologists. I had no other choice. This was too big for me. I couldn't do it alone. I believed that I was irreparable and that the traumas were my fault. I felt like I would be forever damaged. Add on to the PTSD, co

A few days ago, a friend of mine said that inside of the house is a woman's domain and the outside is a man's. And then, another friend said that there's man jobs and woman jobs at their house. This got me thinking. When Joe was alive there wasn't things he did and things I did, exclusively. He took care of our son. He did laundry. He cooked. He cleaned. We were a team, a partnership. Of course, strength wise, there's things I just can't do. However, living in the presert, there are a lot of things I have to do. I don't get to say I won't do it because it's a man's job. I've been told that I'm supposed to be barefoot and pregnant, raising babies and taking care of my husband. Fortunately for my family, I was more than willing to be the breadwinner, when Joe became unable to work. I worked hard to make sure my family had food, shelter, clothing, video games, etc. I am a decent cook, but Joe loved to cook and he was exceptional at it. Every

It's finally spring in the presert! You know how I know? The weather isn't really a good indicator, because it's still chilly especially at night. And the wind is blowing most of the time. Everything is turning green underneath the yellow. The pronghorn antelope are back, some with new babies. There are more birds out and about. We have ravens all year, so it's good to see something else. Once again the bugs are slowly becoming greater in numbers. Little baby bunnies can be seen. Wildflowers are beginning to pop up and my trees are starting to get leaves. The rancher has calves among his herd. It's still too cold in the school bus to start seeds, so I wait patiently. I've learned the mistake of starting seeds too early and losing everything. This is what I call fake spring. Colorado has it too, and so does Montana. It bridges the gap between winter and summer. It might rain or snow or hail, you never know. It's in the 70s and 80s during the day,

Becoming a mom is the best decision I've ever made. Mind you, I didn't want to have a kid. I did, someday, but not at that time. Joe and I were struggling, financially and in our relationship. I had unwittingly begun to use drugs with a friend at work, and I was having fun. Probably too much fun. Joe was having issues keeping a job and I was over it. I didn't realize that he was going to probably save my life. I went off the pill and we began "trying " to get pregnant. That's a funny term. Anyway, I was pregnant in about 2 months of our trying. I hated being pregnant and I was a complete lunatic for a while. The lunacy was probably caused by his testosterone. I had morning sickness for 6 months. I was losing weight, but he was growing. I finally gained all the weight after that, but I could only eat crappy, greasy food. Fruits and vegetables were pretty much off the menu. We had a very challenging labor. 32 hours in total, and an emergency c-sectio

Around July 2021, the dogs and I had our first experience with a rattlesnake. It was late afternoon, around the same time as the 2nd adventure. I saw a small brown circular thing by the bus door. I was feeding the dogs. It was about the same size as the dog bowls. Suddenly I heard the rattle. Then the dogs saw it. I had 7 at this time. The boys were a few months old. Lucky was about 6 or 7 months old. I shooed them away and told them NO. I went to grab my gun. When I came back, he was under the front of the bus between the axles. He was mostly focused on the barking dogs. The dogs were going crazy. The boys were inside the bus. I shot at him but missed. There was a propane tank uncomfortably close so I was having issues hitting the snake and not the tank. He turned his focus on me when I shot at him. He was coiled up. About the size of a small dessert plate. He leapt at Lucky about 6 feet away. I couldn't tell if he had hit her or not. She jumped back right as he hit he

You might be asking why is it part 2. Because I haven't told you about the first time we had rattlesnake games, yet. This happened last night, so I'm starting with this one first. I was in my hammock inside the bus watching TV. I have 7 dogs. And dogs bark, sometimes at nothing. This was a different bark and when I peeked outside I could tell that they were focused on something next to the fence. I grabbed my 22 long revolver and checked to make sure it was loaded. Threw on my slippers, not snakewear, but it's what I had nearby. The boys were barking wildly, like they were yelling at it. It was a little tiny rattlesnake, about the size of a small dessert plate curled up. I could hear it rattling at me. I shooed the boys away and emptied the chamber around the snake. My hands were shaking and I was scared. I fucking hate snakes! Unfortunately I didn't kill it. I went into the bus to reload and it was gone by the time I came back out. I checked my dogs, but I

A lot of years ago, seems like another life ago, I was brave and mighty and seemingly unstoppable. Then it happened, everything crashed and the facade came crumbling down. Was he my best friend, yes! Was he my love, yes! Was he my beer drinking, hat wearing, music loving partner in crime, yes! The facade is the fact that things were much worse for us, especially him, than any of us ever let on. He was definitely one of my favorite people to be with. We spent as much time together as we could. He was truly my friend and love. On the first day of spring when he passed away I had no idea that my life was going to change, completely and utterly. We'd always talked about how he wanted me to handle this, but I'd never even thought about what happened after that. What was I supposed to do now? I had left my job and had bills and my son and a house and a car I couldn't afford. Returning to work was not an option at the time. Sometimes I barely got out of bed or left the house. How

I've always gotten along better with men. Not to say I don't have women friends whom I adore, because I do. I have 2 brothers and my dad and my grandfather as the early males in my life whom I love. Until meeting my beloved belated husband, besides the 4 men I mentioned above, I was pretty sure that men were dangerous. Especially if a romance was involved. To the great men out there, thank you so much being awesome and keep up the good work! My husband tried so hard to be a good man, father and husband. He had grown up around uncles, raised by women, and no father. He wasn't super masculine, but there was no doubt he was a man. He was hard on the outside, but if he liked you then he was softer. He was funny and witty. Sensitive and emotional. He was one of the most intelligent people I've known. He was serious and sarcastic. He was chaos and rage, and peace and light. He had an incredibly tall strong wall, but if you got inside the view was amazing! I was fortunate to h

For 49 years I have been a female human. I was just born this way. I'm not responsible for it. In that time I have been told how I am supposed to be. I have been told what I can and can't do. I have repeatedly been told to be a lady. Something I have never aimed to be. I've felt like I was bad at being a girl. I'm a good cook, but I hate to cook. I prefer baking to cooking. Maybe because it reminds me of my grandma. And it doesn't require constant attention. I am opinionated and intelligent and have a big voice. I'm no shrinking violet. Nor a wallflower. Nor a damsel in distress. I'm not demure. I can do the hair, the makeup, and the beautiful clothes, but I'm still me under all of that. I'm mighty inside of this smallish body. I used to feel like it was a cruel joke. People based their opinions on the outside of me, as many people do. I have been body shamed for being thin. Which has turned out to be a medical condition, strangely enough. I  have be

Happy April Fool's to you all! On this day in 1998, I told Joe I was pregnant with twins. I let him think about it all day. Back then, I was not ready to have a baby, but he was. Finally when I got home, I told Joe that it was a prank in honor of the day. I don't think he thought it was funny. I was pregnant with our son by Christmas. Fast forward to last April Fool's. My dog, Roxy, had been stranger than usual. She is one of the most beautiful and weird animals I have known. I had only female dogs. We'd had a dog party with her brother and sister and 2 bloodhounds, one male and one female. On April Fool's night, I went outside because there was a vehicle coming from the west towards my house. The vehicle had turned around and it was quiet. I began to go back into my bus, but I noticed that Roxy was nowhere to be found. She is always nearby. I looked for her. Calling her name. Nothing. Occasionally, I thought I could hear a tiny sound. It was dark. I sea

Meet the dogs. The oldest is Kiwi, she is a 9 year old Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. She is my protector and best dog friend. We have been through a lot together and even though her arthritis is getting worse she loves this life. Luna Jade is a 3 year old black lab pit bull mix. She is an 80 pound puppy who loves cuddling and adventures. She loves to go anywhere. She is a big galoot with a big heart. She is unquestionably the alpha, but her reign is being challenged. She was born on the first day of spring and she is a moon baby. I got her when she was only 2 or 3 weeks old. Roxy is 2 years old and I don't know what kind of dog she is but she is a beautiful multi-colored brown dog. She is a smaller dog, but she doesn't know that. She is just as badass as the big dogs. I call her my supermodel dog, because she is so lovely. She's travel size, but doesn't like to travel. She prefers to live outside and has endured every t

It's summer 1996. I'd just gotten out of the Air Force and my toxic 3 year marriage. My life was upside down. Everything had changed overnight and I was not prepared. I had no idea what I was going to do. I floated around, like a kite on the wind. I didn't know it at the time, but all this chaos was going to thrust me into a new existence. A recurring theme in my life for humongous change. I was in an unfamiliar bar in an unfamiliar town. The date is August 5th, it was the week of Joe's 24th birthday. A gorgeous man with smoky eyes and long dark curly locks, walked into the bar with a group of his friends. He was wearing a baseball cap, striped shirt and plaid shorts, all not matching. When I saw him, time stopped, along with my heart. I'm a hopeless romantic, but by this time I'd decided I would never fall in love again. I didn't know that he was going to make me change my mind, then. I'm so glad he did. Ceeeej 

Catfishing definition: the process of luring someone into a romantic relationship by means of a fictional online persona. Usually to get money from them. The targeted are usually female, especially those without a partner, like a widow. Recently I was messaged by a very attractive man on Instagram. So I decided to message him back. Maybe it was possible to love again.  He told me beautiful things and I wanted to believe them. I had some suspicions but kept disregarding them, thinking I was just being cynical. He couldn't produce a photo on command, selfie camera broken. He couldn't FaceTime because he couldn't get into his icloud. He didn't message like someone born and raised in the US. The verbiage was off. I kept my eyes open but I wanted him to be real. Then it happened. He asked me to get him a $200 apple gift card. I told him to send me the money and I would. He didn't have it because of some lie. He did everything through Google. I blocked all the accounts

If someone would have told me 5 years ago that I would have the life I do now, I would have punched them in the damn face! 5 years ago I had a beautiful home and a brand new car, neither I could afford. I  was $4000 in debt every month before food and gas. I had been working as a production manager in cannabis, 90 miles away from home, 6 days a week until recently. I didn't know that I was not going to return to a job again. I had quit to take care of my beloved husband. I didn't know that my life was going to change instantly. Joe had battled multiple sclerosis and dementia for many years, over a decade. In 15 days the battle would be over for him and mine would just be beginning. Who was I if I wasn't his wife and caretaker? I was lost, completely. I have struggled with this gigantic grief but I have never given up. I have faced anxiety, panic attacks, depression, substance abuse, loneliness with as much bravery as I could muster. 5 years later I have found pe

About 6 or 7 years ago, I made a promise. One of the biggest and scariest promises I have ever made. Joe was the only person who had read all of my writings. He knew that his time was coming to an end. He made me promise that I would share my words with the public. He said that it might help someone, and I think he knew that it might help me. I was going to bear my soul to the world...scary. And here I am. Writing for me, for you. My book is coming soon. Sometimes it takes baby steps to get to where you want to be, but everything is progress, no matter how small. Ceeeej the Renegade 

Today the wind is blowing, fiercely. This is not a new thing out here, but I still have a response to it, as it shakes my bus. Rewind to 3 years ago. My first winter here. My ex was working in town, so I was alone in the presert. The bus was rocking wildly. I was cold and afraid. The wood burning stove was filling the bus with smoke and wood was broken pallets mostly. This was one of the worst winters here and definitely the most horrible winter I'd experienced in my life. Fast forward a year, my first winter alone in the presert. Thank goodness for my dogs! I had been convinced that I would fail. That I couldn't survive out here. The wind was howling as it does today. I was not cold, but I was terrified. I was no longer burning pallets and the wood stove was keeping me warm. By this point, I was unable to keep my tears at bay, so I would lie in bed and bawl. Sometimes uncontrollably. Today I am into my 4th winter. I don't lie in bed and cry. I still don't enjoy the win

When I still had a j.o.b. I would drive in any weather.  Rain or shine or blizzard, whatever. I worked in Denver, 90 miles from my home. The weather in Colorado can become unfavorable rapidly, but I had to make money for my boys. So off I'd go to work. Fast forward to today. If it's snowing or raining, or has recently, unless it's an emergency, I don't go anywhere. If the road out is bad, I don't leave. I try to keep extra everything on hand. I've been stranded before and it's a long walk to town. You never know when you are not going to be able to get out sometimes. Fortunately I have great friends and neighbors who would be happy to rescue me, if needed. To be honest I love watching the dogs play in it, while I'm toasty warm indoors. Snow is so beautiful when I don't have to drive in it. Ceeeej 

I suppose I should start the story with my life currently and go back from there. I live in a school bus with my 7 dogs and 2 cats, out in the presert, also known as the high desert. Presert equals prairie desert. I haul my own water. My source of power is solar, and my heat is wood burning stove, and cooking and back up heat is propane. I have been a widow for almost 5 years. I have a strange and beautiful view from my front windshield. I listen to the wind and coyotes at night. My dogs like to yell at both. Sometimes I can hear the freeway and the railroad, when the wind stops or blows in the right direction. I can see the lights on the freeway and of the faraway town. I've found peace in this place, and healing in the quiet. I can see every light in the sky. And the moon lights up everything. The sunrises and sunsets are the most amazing I've ever seen in my many years! Sunsets seem to take forever,  kind of like on the ocean, I'm told. I've never been handy or rugge

This is my first post. Welcome to the madness. These are my adventures. I'm a writer/story teller. All of what you see here is probably true. I'm kind of funny. My mom thinks I'm fucking hysterical. I'm a conversational swearer, so there may be language. I'm a poet, music/art/nature lover, bad mother knitter, and, well, you'll see. I, like you, are many different things. I'm a scorpio. I'm a mom. I'm a widow. I'm a veteran. I am fierce. I am not a princess, I am a badass! I live off grid in a school bus with my 7 dogs and 2 cats in the presert (prairie desert=presert). What you will see here are my opinions and experiences. My main goal is perhaps to help others with my words. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. Sincerely, Renegade Ceeeej