PTSD

In 2018 I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I had no idea what that meant and I didn't understand how it happened. I wasn't in combat, so how could I have PTSD and what did the complex part mean. I had developed complex PTSD from a lifetime of trauma. My entire life was a reaction, because of the traumas. I was unaware that I had been drug around my life by PTSD. I didn't know what to do next. I had just lost my husband. Suddenly I couldn't "manage" my PTSD any longer. I was unable to be in crowds without a panic attack. I was overrun with anxiety. I felt out of control and broken. I'd been so high functioning for so long and now I could barely leave my house. I'm not the type of person who seeks help, especially from head shrinkers, psychologists. I had no other choice. This was too big for me. I couldn't do it alone. I believed that I was irreparable and that the traumas were my fault. I felt like I would be forever damaged. Add on to the PTSD, complex grief. I definitely wouldn't have been able to manage it on my own. I've been most fortunate to have gotten the help I needed. Over the past few years, I've been building skills around both of these. I blame no one if I am triggered and I take care of myself when I'm having a problem. I have begun healing and growing. I'm not embarrassed about my grief or my PTSD. I did nothing to cause either. I take responsibility for what is mine, but I no longer take responsibility for others. I'm not drug around my life anymore by unhealthy reactions. I am not sure if I would have survived without seeking help from a professional. I like myself today and I don't say horrible things to myself anymore. I know that I am worthy of love and respect. I am grateful for all of the love and support I've received on this journey. I had to break completely apart to become whole. If you are struggling you should seek help. I'm so glad I did. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help, but you are worth it. Ceeeej 

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