The crash and burn

A lot of years ago, seems like another life ago, I was brave and mighty and seemingly unstoppable. Then it happened, everything crashed and the facade came crumbling down. Was he my best friend, yes! Was he my love, yes! Was he my beer drinking, hat wearing, music loving partner in crime, yes! The facade is the fact that things were much worse for us, especially him, than any of us ever let on. He was definitely one of my favorite people to be with. We spent as much time together as we could. He was truly my friend and love. On the first day of spring when he passed away I had no idea that my life was going to change, completely and utterly. We'd always talked about how he wanted me to handle this, but I'd never even thought about what happened after that. What was I supposed to do now? I had left my job and had bills and my son and a house and a car I couldn't afford. Returning to work was not an option at the time. Sometimes I barely got out of bed or left the house. How was I going to make this work without him? Even though he was a burden at times, he was my whole life. He's the father of our son. I had no plan for this. We were supposed to grow old together. We were both 44 years old. Our son was 17, junior year in high school. I was emotionally paralyzed. I wandered the house like a spector. I didn't know what to do. I went through boxes like I was looking for something I'd lost. My amazing friends would rescue me and take me out for beers and concerts and dancing. My son and his girlfriend ensured I was fed. I was lost. My person was gone. I had a giant hole in my heart and I was expected to keep calm and carry on. There was so much to do, so many people to talk to, arrangements to be made...I don't know how I got through it. Just barreled through, like always. I had to do it, because it had to be done. I didn't know that would only be the beginning of the impossibly difficult. Grief is not pretty and it's not for the faint of heart. It's horrible and you feel like it might kill you. You can't avoid it. I finally had to lean into it, because it wasn't going away and I was sick of being stuck in being sad. Sincerely, Ceeeej 

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