Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Happy New Year! I apologize for being away so long. It has been quite a time. All is well here. I had emergency neck surgery. I'm recovering pretty well. It's slow going. I've had to do a lot of resting. I still can't lift a lot or overdo it too much. The headaches are gone, and the numbness in my fingers and toes is mostly gone. I'm feeling better every day. Going through another surgery without Joe was a challenge. He's been gone almost 9 years, and I still miss him every day. I grieve him while grieving all the time he's missed. We lost our Luna Jade in August to cancer, right after I had surgery. Thankfully I had someone to help me get her buried. She was my first dog I got out here. She was 3 weeks old when I got her. She was supposed to be drowned the day I got her, with all her siblings. I miss her so much!! I keep looking outside expecting to see her lying in the sun. I'd like to believe that she's with Kiwi dog and Flynn dog and Joe. I don...

The Kiefer Pear in the picture was just a stick for a month, and shot up when I cut her down to the thick part in the middle . I hope this finds everyone well. Life is a struggle. Not sure why but that's the way it is. This year I decided to start some fruit and shade trees. Out in the presert! Crazy, I know. I can't tell you how many trees I've attempted to grow out here. This year I was fortunate enough to find older trees. A couple years old. I have many things against me here. The wind, the sand, the lack of water, the temperature, etc. Oh, and I live on a hill. If you've never lived in a desert, it's unlike anything else. My ground is a combination of sand and clay. Not the best for growing anything but weeds and cacti. I've spent many hours watering sticks. Wandering around the yard watering nothing, being followed by my furry four legged loyal companions. I was diligent, but ignorant. I did nearly everything wrong. I watered at night. Which se...

In March it was 8 years since I lost my husband. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like another life. He was truly my best friend! We could spend every minute together. Were we dysfunctional, of course, but we tried to be better than the examples we'd seen. We were both unhealed. So things were a struggle. And he was battling Multiple Sclerosis. He was always on my side. He would help me to see logic as I tend to lead with my heart. He was aware of my feelings and avoided hurting them when possible. Recently I realized that he was my emotional regulator. We were very different but very similar. He was calmer than I was. I was usually on the ceiling, being dramatic. I now understand that this was from all of the bullshit I'd endured. He tried to make me feel safe. I trusted him completely. That says a lot, because I barely trusted myself, let alone anyone else. He required that people show me respect. He never beat up anyone....

6 and a half years ago I arrived in the presert and I was not prepared for the life I was going to have here. It's been very difficult and lots of FFT's (fucking first times). I've wanted to give up and go back to the world. I've been told by many that I couldn't do it. I'm so grateful I did not give up. I've done so much I never thought I'd do. I've proven to myself that I am truly mighty and brave. I own my life and my home. I've gained much from this experience. I'm not sure if I will be here forever, but I am here for now. I get to live however I choose out here. I'm finding peace and love for myself and freedom. I highly recommend moving out to the middle of nowhere to find yourself. Looking forward to more adventures in the presert! Thank you for joining me on this voyage, Ceeeej