Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

It's finally spring in the presert! You know how I know? The weather isn't really a good indicator, because it's still chilly especially at night. And the wind is blowing most of the time. Everything is turning green underneath the yellow. The pronghorn antelope are back, some with new babies. There are more birds out and about. We have ravens all year, so it's good to see something else. Once again the bugs are slowly becoming greater in numbers. Little baby bunnies can be seen. Wildflowers are beginning to pop up and my trees are starting to get leaves. The rancher has calves among his herd. It's still too cold in the school bus to start seeds, so I wait patiently. I've learned the mistake of starting seeds too early and losing everything. This is what I call fake spring. Colorado has it too, and so does Montana. It bridges the gap between winter and summer. It might rain or snow or hail, you never know. It's in the 70s and 80s during the day,

Becoming a mom is the best decision I've ever made. Mind you, I didn't want to have a kid. I did, someday, but not at that time. Joe and I were struggling, financially and in our relationship. I had unwittingly begun to use drugs with a friend at work, and I was having fun. Probably too much fun. Joe was having issues keeping a job and I was over it. I didn't realize that he was going to probably save my life. I went off the pill and we began "trying " to get pregnant. That's a funny term. Anyway, I was pregnant in about 2 months of our trying. I hated being pregnant and I was a complete lunatic for a while. The lunacy was probably caused by his testosterone. I had morning sickness for 6 months. I was losing weight, but he was growing. I finally gained all the weight after that, but I could only eat crappy, greasy food. Fruits and vegetables were pretty much off the menu. We had a very challenging labor. 32 hours in total, and an emergency c-sectio

Around July 2021, the dogs and I had our first experience with a rattlesnake. It was late afternoon, around the same time as the 2nd adventure. I saw a small brown circular thing by the bus door. I was feeding the dogs. It was about the same size as the dog bowls. Suddenly I heard the rattle. Then the dogs saw it. I had 7 at this time. The boys were a few months old. Lucky was about 6 or 7 months old. I shooed them away and told them NO. I went to grab my gun. When I came back, he was under the front of the bus between the axles. He was mostly focused on the barking dogs. The dogs were going crazy. The boys were inside the bus. I shot at him but missed. There was a propane tank uncomfortably close so I was having issues hitting the snake and not the tank. He turned his focus on me when I shot at him. He was coiled up. About the size of a small dessert plate. He leapt at Lucky about 6 feet away. I couldn't tell if he had hit her or not. She jumped back right as he hit he

You might be asking why is it part 2. Because I haven't told you about the first time we had rattlesnake games, yet. This happened last night, so I'm starting with this one first. I was in my hammock inside the bus watching TV. I have 7 dogs. And dogs bark, sometimes at nothing. This was a different bark and when I peeked outside I could tell that they were focused on something next to the fence. I grabbed my 22 long revolver and checked to make sure it was loaded. Threw on my slippers, not snakewear, but it's what I had nearby. The boys were barking wildly, like they were yelling at it. It was a little tiny rattlesnake, about the size of a small dessert plate curled up. I could hear it rattling at me. I shooed the boys away and emptied the chamber around the snake. My hands were shaking and I was scared. I fucking hate snakes! Unfortunately I didn't kill it. I went into the bus to reload and it was gone by the time I came back out. I checked my dogs, but I

A lot of years ago, seems like another life ago, I was brave and mighty and seemingly unstoppable. Then it happened, everything crashed and the facade came crumbling down. Was he my best friend, yes! Was he my love, yes! Was he my beer drinking, hat wearing, music loving partner in crime, yes! The facade is the fact that things were much worse for us, especially him, than any of us ever let on. He was definitely one of my favorite people to be with. We spent as much time together as we could. He was truly my friend and love. On the first day of spring when he passed away I had no idea that my life was going to change, completely and utterly. We'd always talked about how he wanted me to handle this, but I'd never even thought about what happened after that. What was I supposed to do now? I had left my job and had bills and my son and a house and a car I couldn't afford. Returning to work was not an option at the time. Sometimes I barely got out of bed or left the house. How

I've always gotten along better with men. Not to say I don't have women friends whom I adore, because I do. I have 2 brothers and my dad and my grandfather as the early males in my life whom I love. Until meeting my beloved belated husband, besides the 4 men I mentioned above, I was pretty sure that men were dangerous. Especially if a romance was involved. To the great men out there, thank you so much being awesome and keep up the good work! My husband tried so hard to be a good man, father and husband. He had grown up around uncles, raised by women, and no father. He wasn't super masculine, but there was no doubt he was a man. He was hard on the outside, but if he liked you then he was softer. He was funny and witty. Sensitive and emotional. He was one of the most intelligent people I've known. He was serious and sarcastic. He was chaos and rage, and peace and light. He had an incredibly tall strong wall, but if you got inside the view was amazing! I was fortunate to h

For 49 years I have been a female human. I was just born this way. I'm not responsible for it. In that time I have been told how I am supposed to be. I have been told what I can and can't do. I have repeatedly been told to be a lady. Something I have never aimed to be. I've felt like I was bad at being a girl. I'm a good cook, but I hate to cook. I prefer baking to cooking. Maybe because it reminds me of my grandma. And it doesn't require constant attention. I am opinionated and intelligent and have a big voice. I'm no shrinking violet. Nor a wallflower. Nor a damsel in distress. I'm not demure. I can do the hair, the makeup, and the beautiful clothes, but I'm still me under all of that. I'm mighty inside of this smallish body. I used to feel like it was a cruel joke. People based their opinions on the outside of me, as many people do. I have been body shamed for being thin. Which has turned out to be a medical condition, strangely enough. I  have be

Happy April Fool's to you all! On this day in 1998, I told Joe I was pregnant with twins. I let him think about it all day. Back then, I was not ready to have a baby, but he was. Finally when I got home, I told Joe that it was a prank in honor of the day. I don't think he thought it was funny. I was pregnant with our son by Christmas. Fast forward to last April Fool's. My dog, Roxy, had been stranger than usual. She is one of the most beautiful and weird animals I have known. I had only female dogs. We'd had a dog party with her brother and sister and 2 bloodhounds, one male and one female. On April Fool's night, I went outside because there was a vehicle coming from the west towards my house. The vehicle had turned around and it was quiet. I began to go back into my bus, but I noticed that Roxy was nowhere to be found. She is always nearby. I looked for her. Calling her name. Nothing. Occasionally, I thought I could hear a tiny sound. It was dark. I sea

Meet the dogs. The oldest is Kiwi, she is a 9 year old Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. She is my protector and best dog friend. We have been through a lot together and even though her arthritis is getting worse she loves this life. Luna Jade is a 3 year old black lab pit bull mix. She is an 80 pound puppy who loves cuddling and adventures. She loves to go anywhere. She is a big galoot with a big heart. She is unquestionably the alpha, but her reign is being challenged. She was born on the first day of spring and she is a moon baby. I got her when she was only 2 or 3 weeks old. Roxy is 2 years old and I don't know what kind of dog she is but she is a beautiful multi-colored brown dog. She is a smaller dog, but she doesn't know that. She is just as badass as the big dogs. I call her my supermodel dog, because she is so lovely. She's travel size, but doesn't like to travel. She prefers to live outside and has endured every t

It's summer 1996. I'd just gotten out of the Air Force and my toxic 3 year marriage. My life was upside down. Everything had changed overnight and I was not prepared. I had no idea what I was going to do. I floated around, like a kite on the wind. I didn't know it at the time, but all this chaos was going to thrust me into a new existence. A recurring theme in my life for humongous change. I was in an unfamiliar bar in an unfamiliar town. The date is August 5th, it was the week of Joe's 24th birthday. A gorgeous man with smoky eyes and long dark curly locks, walked into the bar with a group of his friends. He was wearing a baseball cap, striped shirt and plaid shorts, all not matching. When I saw him, time stopped, along with my heart. I'm a hopeless romantic, but by this time I'd decided I would never fall in love again. I didn't know that he was going to make me change my mind, then. I'm so glad he did. Ceeeej 

Catfishing definition: the process of luring someone into a romantic relationship by means of a fictional online persona. Usually to get money from them. The targeted are usually female, especially those without a partner, like a widow. Recently I was messaged by a very attractive man on Instagram. So I decided to message him back. Maybe it was possible to love again.  He told me beautiful things and I wanted to believe them. I had some suspicions but kept disregarding them, thinking I was just being cynical. He couldn't produce a photo on command, selfie camera broken. He couldn't FaceTime because he couldn't get into his icloud. He didn't message like someone born and raised in the US. The verbiage was off. I kept my eyes open but I wanted him to be real. Then it happened. He asked me to get him a $200 apple gift card. I told him to send me the money and I would. He didn't have it because of some lie. He did everything through Google. I blocked all the accounts

If someone would have told me 5 years ago that I would have the life I do now, I would have punched them in the damn face! 5 years ago I had a beautiful home and a brand new car, neither I could afford. I  was $4000 in debt every month before food and gas. I had been working as a production manager in cannabis, 90 miles away from home, 6 days a week until recently. I didn't know that I was not going to return to a job again. I had quit to take care of my beloved husband. I didn't know that my life was going to change instantly. Joe had battled multiple sclerosis and dementia for many years, over a decade. In 15 days the battle would be over for him and mine would just be beginning. Who was I if I wasn't his wife and caretaker? I was lost, completely. I have struggled with this gigantic grief but I have never given up. I have faced anxiety, panic attacks, depression, substance abuse, loneliness with as much bravery as I could muster. 5 years later I have found pe

About 6 or 7 years ago, I made a promise. One of the biggest and scariest promises I have ever made. Joe was the only person who had read all of my writings. He knew that his time was coming to an end. He made me promise that I would share my words with the public. He said that it might help someone, and I think he knew that it might help me. I was going to bear my soul to the world...scary. And here I am. Writing for me, for you. My book is coming soon. Sometimes it takes baby steps to get to where you want to be, but everything is progress, no matter how small. Ceeeej the Renegade 

Today the wind is blowing, fiercely. This is not a new thing out here, but I still have a response to it, as it shakes my bus. Rewind to 3 years ago. My first winter here. My ex was working in town, so I was alone in the presert. The bus was rocking wildly. I was cold and afraid. The wood burning stove was filling the bus with smoke and wood was broken pallets mostly. This was one of the worst winters here and definitely the most horrible winter I'd experienced in my life. Fast forward a year, my first winter alone in the presert. Thank goodness for my dogs! I had been convinced that I would fail. That I couldn't survive out here. The wind was howling as it does today. I was not cold, but I was terrified. I was no longer burning pallets and the wood stove was keeping me warm. By this point, I was unable to keep my tears at bay, so I would lie in bed and bawl. Sometimes uncontrollably. Today I am into my 4th winter. I don't lie in bed and cry. I still don't enjoy the win

When I still had a j.o.b. I would drive in any weather.  Rain or shine or blizzard, whatever. I worked in Denver, 90 miles from my home. The weather in Colorado can become unfavorable rapidly, but I had to make money for my boys. So off I'd go to work. Fast forward to today. If it's snowing or raining, or has recently, unless it's an emergency, I don't go anywhere. If the road out is bad, I don't leave. I try to keep extra everything on hand. I've been stranded before and it's a long walk to town. You never know when you are not going to be able to get out sometimes. Fortunately I have great friends and neighbors who would be happy to rescue me, if needed. To be honest I love watching the dogs play in it, while I'm toasty warm indoors. Snow is so beautiful when I don't have to drive in it. Ceeeej 

I suppose I should start the story with my life currently and go back from there. I live in a school bus with my 7 dogs and 2 cats, out in the presert, also known as the high desert. Presert equals prairie desert. I haul my own water. My source of power is solar, and my heat is wood burning stove, and cooking and back up heat is propane. I have been a widow for almost 5 years. I have a strange and beautiful view from my front windshield. I listen to the wind and coyotes at night. My dogs like to yell at both. Sometimes I can hear the freeway and the railroad, when the wind stops or blows in the right direction. I can see the lights on the freeway and of the faraway town. I've found peace in this place, and healing in the quiet. I can see every light in the sky. And the moon lights up everything. The sunrises and sunsets are the most amazing I've ever seen in my many years! Sunsets seem to take forever,  kind of like on the ocean, I'm told. I've never been handy or rugge

This is my first post. Welcome to the madness. These are my adventures. I'm a writer/story teller. All of what you see here is probably true. I'm kind of funny. My mom thinks I'm fucking hysterical. I'm a conversational swearer, so there may be language. I'm a poet, music/art/nature lover, bad mother knitter, and, well, you'll see. I, like you, are many different things. I'm a scorpio. I'm a mom. I'm a widow. I'm a veteran. I am fierce. I am not a princess, I am a badass! I live off grid in a school bus with my 7 dogs and 2 cats in the presert (prairie desert=presert). What you will see here are my opinions and experiences. My main goal is perhaps to help others with my words. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. Sincerely, Renegade Ceeeej