Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Recently I quit drinking. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. It was something I was very conscious of, having an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately, shortly before losing Joe, my drinking was very much out of hand. Probably fortunately I got a DUI 11 days following his death, on April Fools. I'd probably been drunk the entire time. I abstained from alcohol for 16 months, while I was on probation. I drank some of the time after that, for a while, until, once again, it got out of hand. I got my third and final DUI on New Year's Eve. I continued to drive under the influence, just not in public. Unfortunately, it didn't sink in after my third DUI either. I continued to drink excessively. I made horrible decisions constantly. I put myself and others at risk. I broke my own nose, falling down my stairs, drunk. I accepted unacceptable behavior from people, especially those that were supposed to love me. I allowed my peace to be disrupted. I de

I fought myself about doing this post, however it was brought to my attention that it might help someone else. So, here it goes. Almost 2 years ago I met a man. He'd just gotten out of prison. He was too good looking for where I live, but I was solidly bound to my singleness. Every time he tried to talk to me my heart would race. I did my best to be aloof. He tried for 9 months to get me interested. There were many red flags and I was trying to stop drinking. He came to my house with another guy to help me chop wood, which actually didn't happen that day. We talked about many things and he had the most beautiful blue eyes. About a week later was Christmas. I had plans by myself, since I had decided to forgo the holidays. Early the morning after Christmas he called me asking if he could come over. I said yes and shortly after he was sitting on the beanbag in my bus, for the first of many times. I did my best to keep my composure. I hadn't felt like that since my late husband

Hello friends. I'm so sorry for being late again in posting. Life has been crazy, per usual, and I have been getting through winter. Since I posted last, I celebrated my birthday. And we have completed another holiday season. I use the recent Thanksgiving day to remember to be grateful. Life has been extremely stressful lately, so I have been doing my best to stay grateful. Loca is growing and goes everywhere with me. She travels very well and wants everyone to pet her. She loves children and most women and some men. She wants to play with every dog. The cats are getting big, except for Mr G. He's the smallest, even though he was the largest when they were born. All the dogs are well. I haven't been able to integrate Loca into my dog tribe completely yet. She really likes Lucky. They're very similar in their nature. Both very smart, one is very spastic. My animals keep me sane. Thank you for reading my blog, Ceeeej 

3 years ago a litter of puppies blessed my home. One of these puppies would join my family of dogs and cats. Sadly I lost her last fall, shortly after she turned 2. Her name is Zoey Bear. Yesterday was her birthday. In her honor I added another dog to the mix. Her name is Loca. She is a Belgian Malinois. I didn't intend to bring her home, but the owner insisted that she be gifted to me. Around here she is known as a coyote killer. She is only 3 months old, but she notices every single thing. Her large ears and eyes don't miss a thing. She likes to sleep. She is crate trained. It seems to be her safe place. She is afraid of the boy cats. She hasn't met the girls yet, because they are currently on mouse duty in the other bus. I have only been able to introduce her to one of the 6 dogs. Kiwi dog is my oldest. She turns 11 next month. She sniffed her and came over to get pet. Loca is playful and tries to play with the cats. They want no part.of it. I think she is go

As some of you may know, it's winter in the presert. Which means dog rug time. Dogs in every space on the floor, right by the wood burning stove. Yes, dogs have been stepped on and getting anywhere is impossible in the dark. I have become a dog rug ninja. I've had up to 8 dogs in the dog rug. Winter time means almost every dog in at night. Single digits outside versus a nice toasty fire. Out of the wind. Stoking the fire in the middle of the dog rug is challenging and usually dogs must be moved temporarily. It's like dog twister, walking in the dog rug, in order to avoid stepping on any dog bodies. This is one of the few times that they all get along, because they could be kicked out. Everyone snores loudly when I'm not wading through the dog rug. I love that sound! Snoring dogs. Many don't know what it took to get here. They just know this place and nothing else. Here is their home. They protect it fiercely. And now they dream. A happy sight, the dog ru

Very recently, unfortunately, we lost a member of the dog pack. Zoey Bear, who I just wrote about and who just turned 2, passed away. Quite unexpectedly, she got into mouse poison and was gone in 3 days. We are all heartbroken. She was born at my house, along with her brothers and sisters. 8 in total. I immediately fell in love with her. She was my smallest dog with the biggest heart. She was my cuddle bug. She loved attention. To me, she was a sweetheart. She was a bully to any dog smaller than herself. She let Luna and Roxy, her sister from a previous litter, pick on her. Her tail was like a propeller. She was a happy girl.  Life feels different for all of us. Like something is missing. It seems as though the dogs are looking for her. I did something I've never done before. I buried her myself. It was so difficult. It made it so final, but I can visit her everyday. I cry. I tell her that I miss her. I don't have any idea what happens when we die, but I know that she had an aw

Roxy, in the middle, with her sons Roxy is my third eldest dog. She was born at my buddy's house, who also lives off grid. She shares a mom with Zoey,  but they look nothing like each other. She was born a runt, but no one informed her of that. She ran the litter. She is my second smallest dog, but she plays with the big dogs like she's one of them. Roxy is one of the strangest dogs I've ever owned. She slept in the bus until about 4 months old and she has been an outside dog ever since. Self-appointed guard dog weighing in at around 55 pounds. I call her my supermodel dog. She is slender and tall. Various shades of brown with white spotted feet and a white belly. It took her a while to let me pet her and now she greets me at the door. She is a travel size animal, but she doesn't want to go anywhere. Her eyes are yellow and her tail spins like a propeller when she wags it. She has endured every type of weather out here. She is an intelligent dog, but she is

First of all, I apologize for being so sporadic in posting. I'm preparing for winter. I have learned not to get caught with my pants down when it comes to winter. It's October 3rd, 2020. My good friend and his very pregnant dog, Red, are staying at my house. Something I never expected to do again was to have puppies. I had golden retriever puppies when I was in the military as a 20something. Wasn't interested in doing it again. Red produces 8 beautiful large puppies on this day, under a camper I had. My friend crawled under the camper, retrieved all 8 puppies, and handed them to me. We took them into the camper and Red finally followed, grudgingly. It was getting chilly at night but they weren't ready for the school bus yet. She was a great mother but she had to be able to get out. If it was warm enough I could leave the door open. At night I'd leave the door cracked so Red could go on a walkabout. I got to pick a puppy from the litter. I chose Zoey. She

Luna Jade is my next oldest after Kiwi. I was selling out on the Navajo Nation for the first time. A girl walked by with a tiny puppy,  so I asked her where she got it. The girl directed me to a girl in the bed of a truck with a singular black puppy. I told her I'd take the puppy. Then the girl who had the other puppy came back and said she wanted the puppy I was holding, until she found out she was a female. I preferred a female dog. At this point, I only had Kiwi. She was tiny, 2 or 3 weeks old. I was told that she was a black lab/pitbull. I got her milk and canned puppy food. She fit in my hands. Her eyes were still blue. She slept with me. I'd set her next to Kiwi and Kiwi would move away from her. Emo cat was bigger than her and they'd both sleep under the wood burning stove. It was still chilly in April. Luna was born sometime in March, so I made her birthday March 20th which was a full moon. She loves the full moon. In fact, she usually stays outside all

The eldest of my pack is Kiwi. She is my ride or die. She's 9 years old. I've been hers and her mine since she was 6 weeks old. She bit my nose the day I got her. I knew that she was going to be my dog. She chose me. The people who gave her to me called her sassy, which is still appropriate to this day. She is my first sassy dog. The one who started it all. Probably the reason why my dogs are all a bit sassy. Upon coming into our lives, she decided that she was to be our guardian. She is named Kiwi because she has fur the color of a kiwi fruit and she had green eyes. She is an Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. She is one of the smartest dogs I've ever met. She smiles. She is very protective and has endured many difficult times. Living with Joe and watching him go was hard for her. She became hypervigilant over me and my son. For many years, she was afraid. She didn't sleep soundly for years. Today she is the grand dame. Grandma Kiwi. She is surrounded by

In February 2021, I had taken a trip to Colorado. I had a neighbor taking care of my 4 dogs. I arrived home in early March, and discovered an inquisitive fuzzy golden colored puppy, about 3 months old. I called my neighbor and asked him about the dog. He said that she just showed up one day. She was friendly and curious. Apparently the girls had allowed her to stay. They were fence free back then, because they didn't go far. I noticed her collar was tight, so I removed it. Thankfully I have tiny fingers. I noticed her belly had several cuts, and she was very skinny. She had a wildness to her and she liked everyone. She instantly won my heart and I named her Lucky. Less than a month later, Roxy had 2 little boys. On April Fool's. I named them Dude and Little Brother. I decided to keep them both, and suddenly I had 7 dogs. Roxy was a fantastic mother, but very soon she was over them and I moved them into the bus. She is an outside dog, by her choice, but she would pee

You might be asking why is it part 2. Because I haven't told you about the first time we had rattlesnake games, yet. This happened last night, so I'm starting with this one first. I was in my hammock inside the bus watching TV. I have 7 dogs. And dogs bark, sometimes at nothing. This was a different bark and when I peeked outside I could tell that they were focused on something next to the fence. I grabbed my 22 long revolver and checked to make sure it was loaded. Threw on my slippers, not snakewear, but it's what I had nearby. The boys were barking wildly, like they were yelling at it. It was a little tiny rattlesnake, about the size of a small dessert plate curled up. I could hear it rattling at me. I shooed the boys away and emptied the chamber around the snake. My hands were shaking and I was scared. I fucking hate snakes! Unfortunately I didn't kill it. I went into the bus to reload and it was gone by the time I came back out. I checked my dogs, but I

Happy April Fool's to you all! On this day in 1998, I told Joe I was pregnant with twins. I let him think about it all day. Back then, I was not ready to have a baby, but he was. Finally when I got home, I told Joe that it was a prank in honor of the day. I don't think he thought it was funny. I was pregnant with our son by Christmas. Fast forward to last April Fool's. My dog, Roxy, had been stranger than usual. She is one of the most beautiful and weird animals I have known. I had only female dogs. We'd had a dog party with her brother and sister and 2 bloodhounds, one male and one female. On April Fool's night, I went outside because there was a vehicle coming from the west towards my house. The vehicle had turned around and it was quiet. I began to go back into my bus, but I noticed that Roxy was nowhere to be found. She is always nearby. I looked for her. Calling her name. Nothing. Occasionally, I thought I could hear a tiny sound. It was dark. I sea

Meet the dogs. The oldest is Kiwi, she is a 9 year old Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. She is my protector and best dog friend. We have been through a lot together and even though her arthritis is getting worse she loves this life. Luna Jade is a 3 year old black lab pit bull mix. She is an 80 pound puppy who loves cuddling and adventures. She loves to go anywhere. She is a big galoot with a big heart. She is unquestionably the alpha, but her reign is being challenged. She was born on the first day of spring and she is a moon baby. I got her when she was only 2 or 3 weeks old. Roxy is 2 years old and I don't know what kind of dog she is but she is a beautiful multi-colored brown dog. She is a smaller dog, but she doesn't know that. She is just as badass as the big dogs. I call her my supermodel dog, because she is so lovely. She's travel size, but doesn't like to travel. She prefers to live outside and has endured every t