Dysfunctional Romance

I fought myself about doing this post, however it was brought to my attention that it might help someone else. So, here it goes. Almost 2 years ago I met a man. He'd just gotten out of prison. He was too good looking for where I live, but I was solidly bound to my singleness. Every time he tried to talk to me my heart would race. I did my best to be aloof. He tried for 9 months to get me interested. There were many red flags and I was trying to stop drinking. He came to my house with another guy to help me chop wood, which actually didn't happen that day. We talked about many things and he had the most beautiful blue eyes. About a week later was Christmas. I had plans by myself, since I had decided to forgo the holidays. Early the morning after Christmas he called me asking if he could come over. I said yes and shortly after he was sitting on the beanbag in my bus, for the first of many times. I did my best to keep my composure. I hadn't felt like that since my late husband, and I'd never expected to feel like that again. We talked off and on for about a month. He would say so many beautiful things to me and tell me how amazing I was. It seemed like he always needed a shoulder to lean on. Early one morning in January, he asked me to go driving with him. I was in my pajamas and it was winter. I agreed to go with him. We went to the store to get beverages and cigarettes, then we laughed and sang and drove around the presert. He said that he wanted to take me somewhere special, so we began down to an underpass. Shortly thereafter we were stuck in deep mud. I was panicked, because I hardly knew this person and now I was stuck in the mud with him. This is the first place he kissed me. Our relationship began that night in the underpass. Since it was the middle of the night a rescue took a while, but we finally were rescued around dawn. He moved in with me 2 months later, out of necessity. It was the anniversary of my husband's passing. It was way too soon, because we hardly knew each other and didn't have enough time to build a relationship. He had been working for some neighbors, but lost those relationships when he lost his previous residence, so he was only working once in a while. I covered much of the extra cost on my limited income, which unfortunately didn't stretch far enough for the two of us. He made a lot of promises that went unfulfilled. He needed my emotional support and would fall apart if I was having a rough time. He would turn everything I said around on me. We were drinking excessively, which was usually fun, but after months of being broke and feeling stretched too thin, our nights began to turn into arguments. I would ask him to go to his truck for a little while, so I could have some space. He took this as me kicking him out. Eventually it turned into that, because I couldn't get any time alone. I'd lived alone for 4.5 years, and I require alone time, as do many people. I loved being single and I loved my space that I had created. I'd fought so hard for the peace that he'd ruined with his presence. I never felt like I trusted him, and began to feel unsure about my decision to allow him into my space. I was filled with a horrible feeling of insecurity and jealousy. In the beginning of the arguing we would call each other names, then in the fall that turned into physical violence. He wouldn't admit to the violence and every fight was my fault. I'm not sure if he was too drunk to remember what he did to me or if he just pretended it never happened. I kicked him out multiple times, and would let him return in a day or two. Without an apology and generally because I felt bad about him sleeping in his truck in the winter. Or because of another disaster he had created that I needed to rescue him from. For almost a year it was one drama after another. I lost some of my friendships during this time. I began to feel like I was alone, except for this man. The police were called too many times. Sadly this probably helped keep me safe, his fear of getting in trouble. I maintained my close relationships with my mom and sister. They would give me honest opinions without judgments. Many of my friends didn't like him. I'm so grateful that I maintained my most important relationships and didn't allow him to completely seclude me. Finally last month, he hurt me for the last time. I kicked him out. He thought that he would be back in a couple days, as it had been before. I contacted a local sheriff who had been out here a few times when we had been fighting. I didn't know what to do, as I'd not been in a situation like this before. This man had been messaging me terrible things, as he usually did when I kicked him out,  and I didn't want it anymore. I wasn't sure what he might do, and I felt unsafe in my home. The sheriff recommended an order of protection. I didn't want to do it, but I had to keep my animals and myself safe. The thought of never being able to talk to him again was heartbreaking, but I have seen abusive relationships and I understand that rarely do the abusers change. I didn't want to keep allowing him back and waiting for him to harm me again. It's been 3 weeks since he left my property and I am so grateful for the order of protection since it's made me stick to my guns and not allow him back. I've gotten his silence and his absence. I'm not saying that I didn't ever do anything wrong in the relationship, because I did, but nothing makes his bad behavior okay. I started to change my behavior to avoid the fighting,  however I found it impossible. My mom told me that dealing with an alcoholic is like having a bear encounter, you never know what you're going to get. Some of you have been in a relationship like this, and I hope that if you're still there that you can get out. No one deserves to be abused in any way; whether it's verbal, emotional, financial, physical. Thank you for letting me share. I hope this helps you. Much love to you all, Ceeeej