Trying something new

Recently I quit drinking. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. It was something I was very conscious of, having an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately, shortly before losing Joe, my drinking was very much out of hand. Probably fortunately I got a DUI 11 days following his death, on April Fools. I'd probably been drunk the entire time. I abstained from alcohol for 16 months, while I was on probation. I drank some of the time after that, for a while, until, once again, it got out of hand. I got my third and final DUI on New Year's Eve. I continued to drive under the influence, just not in public. Unfortunately, it didn't sink in after my third DUI either. I continued to drink excessively. I made horrible decisions constantly. I put myself and others at risk. I broke my own nose, falling down my stairs, drunk. I accepted unacceptable behavior from people, especially those that were supposed to love me. I allowed my peace to be disrupted. I despised myself. Joe and I had loved beer; making it, drinking it, trying different ones. Quitting drinking meant losing that special thing we shared, in my beer soaked brain. I think that my drinking was actually preventing me from feeling and being present. My drinking has negatively affected the people I love immensely. Today I am 4.5 months sober. I'm still uncomfortable in my own skin. Trying to figure out my direction, again. I'm more aware of my surroundings and my actions. I still have a sassy mouth and I swear a lot. I'm taking better care of me, and setting boundaries. One day at a time, sometimes one second at a time. Ceeeej 

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