Move on...

Move on, they say. Go live your life. Get a man. Let go. I have no idea what any of this means. The old me didn't do feelings, except for the few people who got to see inside me. I cannot fill the void in my soul with things or people. My only option is to heal. To grow around the gaping hole, maybe shrinking it slightly, but never making it not be there. I am building a new life and a new me. I have no other choice. Moving on, no. Moving forward, yes. The loss of him ripped my life apart. Removed the very foundation on which I'd built my existence. Suddenly I had no purpose. I'm so grateful that many of you don't understand, but please know that you don't understand. Don't provide advice, as you don't know. I have always been strong and faked it until I made it at times, but I don't have to keep a stiff upper lip anymore. It is time for the truth. No more need to pretend that everything is alright. I didn't have any idea what would happen next. His absence has altered me in ways I could never have imagined. I assumed that I would live as I had. Maybe less jobs, but I couldn't have known that I'd be brought to my knees. I had our son and some very amazing friends and family, but I felt like I'd lost everything. Suddenly I didn't know this world and I felt like an alien in my own body. In a world where I'd once been courageous and brave, I was now terrified. Please don't pretend that you understand, because I hope that you don't. I wouldn't wish my broken heart on anyone, but I would wish the love that produced the broken heart on everyone. I am blessed to have this gaping hole, because I was blessed to have someone who I miss every day.  To those who understand, I extend much love. And I wish for you healing and peace. Sincerely, Ceeeej 
pictured above is one of my many sunsets 

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