Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

3 years ago a litter of puppies blessed my home. One of these puppies would join my family of dogs and cats. Sadly I lost her last fall, shortly after she turned 2. Her name is Zoey Bear. Yesterday was her birthday. In her honor I added another dog to the mix. Her name is Loca. She is a Belgian Malinois. I didn't intend to bring her home, but the owner insisted that she be gifted to me. Around here she is known as a coyote killer. She is only 3 months old, but she notices every single thing. Her large ears and eyes don't miss a thing. She likes to sleep. She is crate trained. It seems to be her safe place. She is afraid of the boy cats. She hasn't met the girls yet, because they are currently on mouse duty in the other bus. I have only been able to introduce her to one of the 6 dogs. Kiwi dog is my oldest. She turns 11 next month. She sniffed her and came over to get pet. Loca is playful and tries to play with the cats. They want no part.of it. I think she is go

Good day to you all. I hope this finds you well. Kids are returning to school, and summer is apparently coming to a close. The days are not as hot in the presert, and the nights are becoming cooler. We've had a little rain, but not nearly enough. The rain has mostly just made it humid. And, yes, the usual dry heat here is very different than when it's humid. I've cleared the 10 days of hell for the 7th time. The fog is beginning to lift on my widow brain. At this, and other tough times, I find that the best thing I can do is to be grateful for the things that aren't shit. I have food, and shelter, and clothes, and animals, and people who love me. I have flowers and trees and food growing in the sand. I am in decent health, all things considered. Gratitude helps to remind us how blessed we are. Not focusing on how much life can be a fucking dumpster fire. It feels like when I am struggling, life becomes more challenging. It must be Murphy's Law. This set

Good day to you all! Recently I was blessed with 4 kittens. They're around 3 months old. I went to a friend's house for a visit, and they asked if I wanted another kitten. I didn't, but it needed a home and was about the same age as my kittens. So I agreed to take the kitten. Originally I thought it was a girl, but it turns out that she was a he. Named it Olive at first, now he's Oliver. He is the smallest, but is fierce and feisty. He is fitting right in. He loves people and is very affectionate. He is unsure about the dogs, but they have been outside mostly since the kittens were born. Only a few of the dogs have been inside for brief periods of time. All of the kittens are growing and doing well. They are so fun and full of energy. Like furry ping pong balls bouncing around the bus. I didn't want more babies, but I can't imagine life without them. Much love,  Ceeeej  Crash, Wilbur, and Graycie  Mr G

Hello, my people. I apologize for the sporadic posting, but I have a lot going on and it's so hot here that my brain is mushy. EMDR is going well, but it's not easy. Everything is being processed and either thrown out or reframed. Pretty much 24/7. I'm very short fused and irritable. And I have very little patience or a sense of humor. I've been trying to get more sleep and drink less beer. Seriously considering quitting drinking, because it sometimes gets out of hand. In the last session of EMDR, I realized that I have the belief that I'm a bad person. This was something I was told, possibly accidentally, for much of my childhood. I believed death was bad, and talking about the dead was off limits. I had a traumatic loss as a young child, and for 40 years I took full responsibility for the loss. I thought I had somehow caused it. I have been able to see that none of the above is true, and have begun to heal this very old scar. I have given back the responsibility t

Hello, my friends. I hope all is well for you. Yesterday I had my 2nd session of EMDR. I had decided that I needed to work through more guilt. I'm not Catholic, but I come from a long line of them. I come by my guilt honestly. I've always felt responsible and in charge of everything and everyone. Especially for someone I'd tried to keep safe and alive. This one was about my dearly departed husband. Yes, I have guilt and shame around his death, because I was his caregiver and I was his wife and the mother of his child. Yes, I have survivors guilt also. Ultimately, I'm trying to convince myself that I did the very best I could. Which is true, absolutely, but it is difficult to convince myself, because he is not here. To me, that feels like failure. Unfortunately I couldn't have prevented his death and the most amazing thing is that I did my best to give him a life, not just keep him alive. And help him get his dreams. And give him a son, and a family. I'm trying t

I apologize for being so belated on posting, however I have had many changes in my life this spring and I have been busy planting and watering. Yes, it is finally spring in the presert. It seemed like winter would never end. All of the trees I planted last year survived the winter. The roses are getting ready to bloom and the peppermint is spreading out. 3 peaches and 1 apple are coming up. I have tomatoes and peppers started in the bus. My avocado is doing extraordinary and ready to get a bigger pot. I've been hauling more water, but I'm excited to see everything growing. The presert has given us a lot of flowers this spring, and the cacti are getting ready to have flowers on them. A little over a month ago I was blessed with 5 kittens. Unfortunately I lost one shortly after they were born. The remaining 4 are doing fantastic! They are eating kitten food and using the cat box. They are very adorable and exceptional escape artists. I love them! I hope spring gives y

Recently spring has been trying to happen, but winter hasn't wanted to leave. Everything is trying to bloom but winter arrives every evening. Some trees and plants survived the chill of winter while some didn't. This is the way of the presert. Lost a cat to a predator recently, and was sharply reminded that she takes what she wants. Her sister is going to have kittens soon, so life continues. The wind has been blowing like crazy, so I took the opportunity to clear some of my tumbleweeds away. All I had to do was rake them into the 80 mile per hour wind and they were gone. I'll have to do more, but I got rid of the huge ones. Unfortunately right now the wind makes it impossible to burn anything. My trash is piling up, and I'd prefer to burn the tumbleweeds. Mother Nature says no. The cacti are working on flowering and the roses are getting new leaves. My bamboo is beginning to sprout. Birds sing as they fly around the bus. New little butterflies are appearing

As some of you may know, it's winter in the presert. Which means dog rug time. Dogs in every space on the floor, right by the wood burning stove. Yes, dogs have been stepped on and getting anywhere is impossible in the dark. I have become a dog rug ninja. I've had up to 8 dogs in the dog rug. Winter time means almost every dog in at night. Single digits outside versus a nice toasty fire. Out of the wind. Stoking the fire in the middle of the dog rug is challenging and usually dogs must be moved temporarily. It's like dog twister, walking in the dog rug, in order to avoid stepping on any dog bodies. This is one of the few times that they all get along, because they could be kicked out. Everyone snores loudly when I'm not wading through the dog rug. I love that sound! Snoring dogs. Many don't know what it took to get here. They just know this place and nothing else. Here is their home. They protect it fiercely. And now they dream. A happy sight, the dog ru

I was raised, like many of you, with the notion that someday someone would rescue me and we would live happily ever after. I thought I had to be part of a couple. I watched my parents, and others, make unwise decisions just to be with someone. From the time I was 17 I was in a relationship. I thought I had to endure bullshit to stay in a lot of the relationships. I got to have a little bit of a fairy tale when I met Joe, but it wasn't always easy and sometimes we just didn't give up. I'm sure we both wanted to, at times. After he died, the scariest notion was to be alone forever. I quickly sought out another relationship. I was in no condition to do so, and he was unable to be Joe, but I tried to make it work anyway. That relationship just about destroyed me, however it brought me to the presert. Then I found myself alone out here. After 46 years of life, I realized that I didn't know who I was without a man. And I hated myself for being human. I had made so

The picture Joe took of me in 2017 when he helped me buy a car In 2017, just a couple months before Joe died, he cosigned a beautiful vehicle for me. Neither of us had great credit, but he could always help me get a car. Even though he had no income except for social security. Even if he had no job and I had 2 or more. Anyway, he always wanted everything for us. He was rapidly declining and legally his signature wouldn't have held up in court. I'm not completely sure he knew what he was doing, other than trying to take care of his family. His dementia had taken him mostly away, but he knew that he loved me and our son, and maybe he knew that this would be the last thing he could do for us. Since Christmas things had been unraveling quickly. I think he knew that he had to leave, but he wasn't ready, and he knew that we weren't going to be alright. Joe wanted to belong somewhere and now he did and he wasn't allowed to stay. We were approved for a newish ca

Very recently, unfortunately, we lost a member of the dog pack. Zoey Bear, who I just wrote about and who just turned 2, passed away. Quite unexpectedly, she got into mouse poison and was gone in 3 days. We are all heartbroken. She was born at my house, along with her brothers and sisters. 8 in total. I immediately fell in love with her. She was my smallest dog with the biggest heart. She was my cuddle bug. She loved attention. To me, she was a sweetheart. She was a bully to any dog smaller than herself. She let Luna and Roxy, her sister from a previous litter, pick on her. Her tail was like a propeller. She was a happy girl.  Life feels different for all of us. Like something is missing. It seems as though the dogs are looking for her. I did something I've never done before. I buried her myself. It was so difficult. It made it so final, but I can visit her everyday. I cry. I tell her that I miss her. I don't have any idea what happens when we die, but I know that she had an aw

Move on, they say. Go live your life. Get a man. Let go. I have no idea what any of this means. The old me didn't do feelings, except for the few people who got to see inside me. I cannot fill the void in my soul with things or people. My only option is to heal. To grow around the gaping hole, maybe shrinking it slightly, but never making it not be there. I am building a new life and a new me. I have no other choice. Moving on, no. Moving forward, yes. The loss of him ripped my life apart. Removed the very foundation on which I'd built my existence. Suddenly I had no purpose. I'm so grateful that many of you don't understand, but please know that you don't understand. Don't provide advice, as you don't know. I have always been strong and faked it until I made it at times, but I don't have to keep a stiff upper lip anymore. It is time for the truth. No more need to pretend that everything is alright. I didn't have any idea what would happen next. His

Roxy, in the middle, with her sons Roxy is my third eldest dog. She was born at my buddy's house, who also lives off grid. She shares a mom with Zoey,  but they look nothing like each other. She was born a runt, but no one informed her of that. She ran the litter. She is my second smallest dog, but she plays with the big dogs like she's one of them. Roxy is one of the strangest dogs I've ever owned. She slept in the bus until about 4 months old and she has been an outside dog ever since. Self-appointed guard dog weighing in at around 55 pounds. I call her my supermodel dog. She is slender and tall. Various shades of brown with white spotted feet and a white belly. It took her a while to let me pet her and now she greets me at the door. She is a travel size animal, but she doesn't want to go anywhere. Her eyes are yellow and her tail spins like a propeller when she wags it. She has endured every type of weather out here. She is an intelligent dog, but she is

Someone asked me recently what off grid means. If you know already feel free to skip this post. Or feel free to read it. I'm sure the person who asked me is not the only person who doesn't know what it means. I have 3000 watts of solar power. This might sound like a lot of power, but it's really not. I don't run most of the things that are found in a house. I have to shut off things I'm not using. The only thing that is always on is my small fridge. I limit my TV time and don't have it on for noise. I listen to music on my phone, most of the time. I have to take care of my own trash disposal. I have to take care of my own bathroom disposal. That's a gross job, and my least favorite. I can't get an ambulance to come out here, because of the roads. When it rains, I wait to leave my house until it dries up a bit. I live on an unmaintained dirt road that turns into quicksand when it gets wet. People get stuck out here quite often. I don't yet have runnin

Now is the time of year when you wear shorts during the day and can't stop sweating,, then think about starting a fire at night. Fall is here, but she is only making an appearance at night. Summer still owns the daytime. Personally I'm looking forward to cooler weather. It's been a long hot dry summer, until the monsoons arrived. This year we had a legit monsoon season. Flash floods, lightning and thunder. Lots of rainbows this monsoon. It's been too long since we've had so much rain. I'm always grateful for the free water from the sky. This year is the first time I've had a green yard. Mostly weeds, but green nonetheless. I have little trees sprinkled around the property. I will be getting everything ready for the impending winter. This is the season where the men are separated from the boys. Winter can be difficult out here in the presert. Most people that come out here don't stay through the winter, or the summer, for that matter. This is my 5th winte

First of all, I apologize for being so sporadic in posting. I'm preparing for winter. I have learned not to get caught with my pants down when it comes to winter. It's October 3rd, 2020. My good friend and his very pregnant dog, Red, are staying at my house. Something I never expected to do again was to have puppies. I had golden retriever puppies when I was in the military as a 20something. Wasn't interested in doing it again. Red produces 8 beautiful large puppies on this day, under a camper I had. My friend crawled under the camper, retrieved all 8 puppies, and handed them to me. We took them into the camper and Red finally followed, grudgingly. It was getting chilly at night but they weren't ready for the school bus yet. She was a great mother but she had to be able to get out. If it was warm enough I could leave the door open. At night I'd leave the door cracked so Red could go on a walkabout. I got to pick a puppy from the litter. I chose Zoey. She

I suppose I should better describe the monsoon season for those of you who might not live somewhere that has monsoons. This year was a proper monsoon season, unlike any I've experienced lately. I've lived in Arizona about 3 decades, off and on. I keep trying to leave, and just keep coming back. Anyway, back to the monsoons. Everyday for 2 months I get notified that there's a flash flood in my area. One of two things will occur; no rain except for all around me on not at all, or the floodgates of hell will unleash its wrath from above. The sky suddenly becomes dark and the air becomes humid and thick. The air becomes heavy prior to the storm. Almost as if Earth's gravity has changed. It's recommended that all travel is limited. In my younger years, I'd be willing to drive when there's a flash flood warning. However, today I do my very best not to. I try to wait until the road is drier, if possible. This year roads became flooded in minutes. Rain f

Many years ago, my dear husband mentioned wanting to move off grid after our son was done with high school, following some travel around the United States, at least. I couldn't see myself living off grid and figured this was probably some delusional thought on his part. I am not an outdoor type of person. I don't hate the outdoors, but it's just not part of my personality. I don't hunt, fish, camp. I do love hiking and nature, but I'm barely qualified for the off grid life. I've had to learn on the fly, ask for advice and help, figure out things I had zero experience with, and googled a great many topics. I've learned that my brain works in a different way than what is required for this life. I've learned about wood burning stoves and wood. I've learned about propane, about solar, about snakes, about bugs, about things I never wanted to know about. I have  backup food, propane, wood, and water. I don't run out of anything. Always have

I have always seemed to live in places where there is cattle. Maybe, because they're everywhere. I have been to farms and enjoyed mostly the baby animals. Who doesn't love babies? I have never lived with them nearby. I'm a city kid who knows people with farm animals. I live on open ranch land, so I usually have cows wondering around my place. They've not gotten close until recently. One day I went outside and noticed cows in my yard. I had no idea what to do. I know how destructive they can be. I made noise and yelled at them to leave. They didn't budge. Among the cows were 2 large bulls. One of them began chomping on a black cherry tree that I'd just planted. I banged on a trash can lid I have. The cows and calves started to move on, but the bulls stayed. One of the bulls was right by my fence, stepping on everything and driving the dogs insane. I finally called the rancher and asked him to come get the bulls out of my yard. Within a half hour, some

Luna Jade is my next oldest after Kiwi. I was selling out on the Navajo Nation for the first time. A girl walked by with a tiny puppy,  so I asked her where she got it. The girl directed me to a girl in the bed of a truck with a singular black puppy. I told her I'd take the puppy. Then the girl who had the other puppy came back and said she wanted the puppy I was holding, until she found out she was a female. I preferred a female dog. At this point, I only had Kiwi. She was tiny, 2 or 3 weeks old. I was told that she was a black lab/pitbull. I got her milk and canned puppy food. She fit in my hands. Her eyes were still blue. She slept with me. I'd set her next to Kiwi and Kiwi would move away from her. Emo cat was bigger than her and they'd both sleep under the wood burning stove. It was still chilly in April. Luna was born sometime in March, so I made her birthday March 20th which was a full moon. She loves the full moon. In fact, she usually stays outside all