Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Happy Tuesday, my people! Recently I was talking to one of my closest friends, she's known me since I was in my 20s, about my recovery, and she asked me how I did it. Thanks to her, I will share what has worked for me. In the beginning, I found it rather easy not to drink. I'd just had my hip replaced and I was on opioids and I was incredibly wobbly. It didn't make sense for me to drink. At the suggestion of my therapist, I broke up with alcohol. I found it helpful for me to make alcohol into a no contact relationship. Like a toxic relationship with a person, alcohol became more damaging than good, so I imagined that we had a restraining order between us. This was easy due to my previous dysfunctional romance, that ended two months before I got sober. I just thought of beer like I thought of him. No contact.  Not drinking was easy until I came home. Back to the presert, back to the school bus. On the way home it was so difficult not to stop and get a 6 pack. I needed someth...

after a couple hours  Happy 420 friends! Today some will celebrate Easter and some will celebrate cannabis. Either is fine with me, however I wish people wouldn't wish me a happy Easter, but they thought of me. Today I am grateful. We, the animals and I, endured a surprise winter storm. The only one this winter. The winter has been dry and windy and cold. It's been an odd one. I wasn't prepared for a storm so I don't have much wood cut up. My solar power went out due to being covered in snow, and my electric heater. I got at least 8 inches, if not more, of heavy wet snow. I was told later that we got over a foot of snow. Visibility was zero. The fence was filled with snow. The snow lasted longer than expected by the weather people. My chimney had blown off and I didn't want to make a fire for fear of smoking us out. After losing power from using my heater, I put on a bunch of clothes and grabbed a blanket. I waited for the power to come back on and tried...

Good day to all of you that read my blog! Spring is trying to spring here. It just snowed a week or so ago. A year ago, I had a hip replacement. I'd put it off for 3 decades, but I could put it off no longer. The pain was excruciating and I had such horrible arthritis that my hip just looked like a puff of smoke. Like a magic trick had just been performed and the magician had disappeared. I was scared to take this journey without my dear husband. I had to put my trust in some of my friends. I didn't know if I could rely on these people but I didn't have much choice. Looking back I could have gone to a rehab center, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that. I'm not a big fan of the medical system. I had asked a friend to take care of my animals while I was gone. And he happily agreed. My dogs know and love him, so I knew he would be safe. I had my surgery and went to another friend's house to recover. Things went relatively smoothly for about 2 weeks, and then I ...

According to doctors, I have had PTSD since childhood. And I suspect that I may be on the spectrum also. I am very high functioning/masking and went undiagnosed until I was in my mid 40s. Still undiagnosed on the spectrum side of things. Until after losing Joe, I thought that I was just different. It seemed like I had it all together, pretty much. I was excellent at hiding my PTSD/autism. I'd worked multiple jobs at a time, raised our tiny human, took care of almost everything, was a good wife and nurse to Joe. I did it all. I struggled with relationships with people outside of my small circle. I would talk frantically when I was uncomfortable. Meeting new people is still a struggle. I didn't realize that much of my experience was tainted by trauma and being on the spectrum. Was I merely a reaction to whatever was happening around me? After losing someone who was an integral part of my life I began to wonder who I was without him. And I began to feel like I had no idea who I wa...

Hello friends! I've been doing a lot of work lately, in all the ways. Today I am 1 year without a drink! I am so very proud of myself!! And still sometimes shocked. Joe and I were craft beer drinkers and brewers. Drinking beer had become a part of my identity. Drinking beer kept Joe here, I believed. I thought if I quit drinking another piece of him would be gone. I was wrong. I still have all of our wonderful memories and I'm finding it easier to access them. Recovery has brought many changes. The fog is lifting and I can see more clearly. Drinking was a way to drown the trauma and the grief, but only temporarily. In reality, when I stopped drinking all of that was waiting for me. I felt regret and guilt and shame and fear and anger for wasting so much time drinking. Drinking completely altered who I was. It made me into someone else. Someone I didn't like. I'm becoming someone else, in a more intentional way, this time. I'm more awkward than I've ever been, an...

On December 8th, a month to the day after turning 52, I lost my Kiwi dog. She had battled cancer for many years and she finally got beat. Joe has gotten her for me in 2012, as my birthday/Christmas gift. I was working at a beauty school as a receptionist. We'd just moved to Colorado from Arizona. The pay wasn't great but it was a job. We were still waiting for Joe's social security, at this point. Anyway, the other receptionist said that she knew of someone nearby that had puppies for sale. I went to go see them. They were tiny and fuzzy. They were Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. About 6 weeks old. We had a 1 1/2 year old boxer, Flynn. I had gotten him for myself, but he was in love with the boys. I wanted a dog, and the thing about Joe and my relationship is that we loved to "spoil" each other when we could. I went home and we talked about getting a puppy. Joe agreed to go see the puppies. As was usually the case, we didn't have much money. M...

        pink hair for the New Year  We're now in the throws of a new year. So far so good on my end. I hope everyone is staying warm and safe. It's been a very warm December. I'm assuming that means winter is running late. It's been cooling down at night. Thankfully I have enough wood for the winter. I love having a wood stove but it's work. I'm in the process of reinsulating my bus. When I did it originally I didn't have the money or the knowledge to do it right. I'm renovating my entire life. Like many of you, I was raised by hurt people. They did their best, but I still suffered from their broken behaviors. Their behaviors caused me to believe a lot of things about myself and the world that were not true. The most damage done is to my self worth. I have held so many incorrect beliefs for decades. I am undoing all the bullshit of the past. Setting boundaries has its consequences. I've recently been distancing myself from certain important figures i...