Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Hello friends! I've been doing a lot of work lately, in all the ways. Today I am 1 year without a drink! I am so very proud of myself!! And still sometimes shocked. Joe and I were craft beer drinkers and brewers. Drinking beer had become a part of my identity. Drinking beer kept Joe here, I believed. I thought if I quit drinking another piece of him would be gone. I was wrong. I still have all of our wonderful memories and I'm finding it easier to access them. Recovery has brought many changes. The fog is lifting and I can see more clearly. Drinking was a way to drown the trauma and the grief, but only temporarily. In reality, when I stopped drinking all of that was waiting for me. I felt regret and guilt and shame and fear and anger for wasting so much time drinking. Drinking completely altered who I was. It made me into someone else. Someone I didn't like. I'm becoming someone else, in a more intentional way, this time. I'm more awkward than I've ever been, an...

On December 8th, a month to the day after turning 52, I lost my Kiwi dog. She had battled cancer for many years and she finally got beat. Joe has gotten her for me in 2012, as my birthday/Christmas gift. I was working at a beauty school as a receptionist. We'd just moved to Colorado from Arizona. The pay wasn't great but it was a job. We were still waiting for Joe's social security, at this point. Anyway, the other receptionist said that she knew of someone nearby that had puppies for sale. I went to go see them. They were tiny and fuzzy. They were Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. About 6 weeks old. We had a 1 1/2 year old boxer, Flynn. I had gotten him for myself, but he was in love with the boys. I wanted a dog, and the thing about Joe and my relationship is that we loved to "spoil" each other when we could. I went home and we talked about getting a puppy. Joe agreed to go see the puppies. As was usually the case, we didn't have much money. M...

        pink hair for the New Year  We're now in the throws of a new year. So far so good on my end. I hope everyone is staying warm and safe. It's been a very warm December. I'm assuming that means winter is running late. It's been cooling down at night. Thankfully I have enough wood for the winter. I love having a wood stove but it's work. I'm in the process of reinsulating my bus. When I did it originally I didn't have the money or the knowledge to do it right. I'm renovating my entire life. Like many of you, I was raised by hurt people. They did their best, but I still suffered from their broken behaviors. Their behaviors caused me to believe a lot of things about myself and the world that were not true. The most damage done is to my self worth. I have held so many incorrect beliefs for decades. I am undoing all the bullshit of the past. Setting boundaries has its consequences. I've recently been distancing myself from certain important figures i...