Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Recently I quit drinking. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. It was something I was very conscious of, having an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately, shortly before losing Joe, my drinking was very much out of hand. Probably fortunately I got a DUI 11 days following his death, on April Fools. I'd probably been drunk the entire time. I abstained from alcohol for 16 months, while I was on probation. I drank some of the time after that, for a while, until, once again, it got out of hand. I got my third and final DUI on New Year's Eve. I continued to drive under the influence, just not in public. Unfortunately, it didn't sink in after my third DUI either. I continued to drink excessively. I made horrible decisions constantly. I put myself and others at risk. I broke my own nose, falling down my stairs, drunk. I accepted unacceptable behavior from people, especially those that were supposed to love me. I allowed my peace to be disrupted. I de

I fought myself about doing this post, however it was brought to my attention that it might help someone else. So, here it goes. Almost 2 years ago I met a man. He'd just gotten out of prison. He was too good looking for where I live, but I was solidly bound to my singleness. Every time he tried to talk to me my heart would race. I did my best to be aloof. He tried for 9 months to get me interested. There were many red flags and I was trying to stop drinking. He came to my house with another guy to help me chop wood, which actually didn't happen that day. We talked about many things and he had the most beautiful blue eyes. About a week later was Christmas. I had plans by myself, since I had decided to forgo the holidays. Early the morning after Christmas he called me asking if he could come over. I said yes and shortly after he was sitting on the beanbag in my bus, for the first of many times. I did my best to keep my composure. I hadn't felt like that since my late husband

Hello friends. I'm so sorry for being late again in posting. Life has been crazy, per usual, and I have been getting through winter. Since I posted last, I celebrated my birthday. And we have completed another holiday season. I use the recent Thanksgiving day to remember to be grateful. Life has been extremely stressful lately, so I have been doing my best to stay grateful. Loca is growing and goes everywhere with me. She travels very well and wants everyone to pet her. She loves children and most women and some men. She wants to play with every dog. The cats are getting big, except for Mr G. He's the smallest, even though he was the largest when they were born. All the dogs are well. I haven't been able to integrate Loca into my dog tribe completely yet. She really likes Lucky. They're very similar in their nature. Both very smart, one is very spastic. My animals keep me sane. Thank you for reading my blog, Ceeeej 

Hello friends and family. Recently I heard a song about the struggle of being a man. Oddly enough, I identified with the song. I will never know what it is to be a man, but I do know what it's like to be the one who is holding everything together. Feeling like you cannot fail. It made me think back to the years of being the breadwinner. Joe wasn't able to work in his last 7 or 8 years of his life. This meant that it all fell on me to provide. I would work 2 jobs to make it work. I had to ask my parents for money. My son and husband were never hungry, homeless, without power or water. We lived in decent places, in decent neighborhoods. Our son went to charter school until junior high. I did my best to provide. Our son got most of the toys he wanted, and Joe and I had some nice stuff too. I stretched myself and my body as far as I could. I was ridiculed for not being home and raising my son. Joe became a stay at home dad and did as much as he could to help. He was embarrassed tha

And now, the rest of the story...I've been out of the Air Force since 1996. I rarely tell people that I am a veteran, and if I do they don't believe me. I've lived my life so as not to be defined by my service. I'm pretty unique. I don't wear military identifiers. Yes, my time in the military was both beneficial and harmful. This hat was given to me by a lady I met in New Mexico. She got upset because I don't mention my service very often. I'm in no way embarrassed by my service, but when people thank me for my service I become uncomfortable. I did my job as a security police, as I have done all jobs in my life, to the best of my ability. I don't disregard all of the men and women who have fought and died, but I don't feel like I am in the same category as them. I do feel that veterans should be treated better than we are, and there needs to be more support for mental health and addiction. To all who have served, I am thankful. As for mys

Good day to you all. I hope this finds you well. Kids are returning to school, and summer is apparently coming to a close. The days are not as hot in the presert, and the nights are becoming cooler. We've had a little rain, but not nearly enough. The rain has mostly just made it humid. And, yes, the usual dry heat here is very different than when it's humid. I've cleared the 10 days of hell for the 7th time. The fog is beginning to lift on my widow brain. At this, and other tough times, I find that the best thing I can do is to be grateful for the things that aren't shit. I have food, and shelter, and clothes, and animals, and people who love me. I have flowers and trees and food growing in the sand. I am in decent health, all things considered. Gratitude helps to remind us how blessed we are. Not focusing on how much life can be a fucking dumpster fire. It feels like when I am struggling, life becomes more challenging. It must be Murphy's Law. This set

Hello my peeps. I hope you are all staying cool in this heatwave that has turned the rest of the country into an Arizona summer. All is well in the presert, mostly. Kittens are growing and wild. They add a lot of joy to the bus. Dogs are used to the heat, but they are hot, of course. They have all been through a few summers. We have been praying for rain, but it seems to be avoiding my house so far. Tomorrow is what would have been Joe and my 23rd wedding anniversary. I find myself gripped by grief today. I have become more comfortable with my unwelcome guest over the last 6 years and the tears that come with it, however, sometimes I wish I could evict her. I get tired of being overtaken by the giant waves that arrive unannounced, and usually at the most inopportune times. At this time of year I have our wedding anniversary, then the anniversary of when we met, and then Joe's birthday. It's a really rough time for me. This year I'm trying to do it better. I want

Hello, my friends. I hope all is well for you. Yesterday I had my 2nd session of EMDR. I had decided that I needed to work through more guilt. I'm not Catholic, but I come from a long line of them. I come by my guilt honestly. I've always felt responsible and in charge of everything and everyone. Especially for someone I'd tried to keep safe and alive. This one was about my dearly departed husband. Yes, I have guilt and shame around his death, because I was his caregiver and I was his wife and the mother of his child. Yes, I have survivors guilt also. Ultimately, I'm trying to convince myself that I did the very best I could. Which is true, absolutely, but it is difficult to convince myself, because he is not here. To me, that feels like failure. Unfortunately I couldn't have prevented his death and the most amazing thing is that I did my best to give him a life, not just keep him alive. And help him get his dreams. And give him a son, and a family. I'm trying t

I hope June finds you all well. Recently I have had many changes. One of the most important changes I am making is a therapy type called EMDR, Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Since I have experienced multiple traumas in my life, I have been in therapy for several years. I have gone through a variety of therapy types. I don't think everyone benefits from therapy, but I have. I decided after losing Joe that I could no longer do it alone. For 4 decades, I had been a high functioning person with PTSD. I had no idea that I had PTSD. I thought people had to go to war to have PTSD, but my life has been horrible at times. Those experiences make me who I am, however I didn't want to be pulled around my life anymore by the traumas. I have found meditation excellent, especially for myself as I am a breath holder. EFT, Emotion-focused therapy, also known as tapping, is very effective, and your brain does all the work. Neurofeedback is effortless and starts repair

I apologize for being so belated on posting, however I have had many changes in my life this spring and I have been busy planting and watering. Yes, it is finally spring in the presert. It seemed like winter would never end. All of the trees I planted last year survived the winter. The roses are getting ready to bloom and the peppermint is spreading out. 3 peaches and 1 apple are coming up. I have tomatoes and peppers started in the bus. My avocado is doing extraordinary and ready to get a bigger pot. I've been hauling more water, but I'm excited to see everything growing. The presert has given us a lot of flowers this spring, and the cacti are getting ready to have flowers on them. A little over a month ago I was blessed with 5 kittens. Unfortunately I lost one shortly after they were born. The remaining 4 are doing fantastic! They are eating kitten food and using the cat box. They are very adorable and exceptional escape artists. I love them! I hope spring gives y

Recently spring has been trying to happen, but winter hasn't wanted to leave. Everything is trying to bloom but winter arrives every evening. Some trees and plants survived the chill of winter while some didn't. This is the way of the presert. Lost a cat to a predator recently, and was sharply reminded that she takes what she wants. Her sister is going to have kittens soon, so life continues. The wind has been blowing like crazy, so I took the opportunity to clear some of my tumbleweeds away. All I had to do was rake them into the 80 mile per hour wind and they were gone. I'll have to do more, but I got rid of the huge ones. Unfortunately right now the wind makes it impossible to burn anything. My trash is piling up, and I'd prefer to burn the tumbleweeds. Mother Nature says no. The cacti are working on flowering and the roses are getting new leaves. My bamboo is beginning to sprout. Birds sing as they fly around the bus. New little butterflies are appearing

This is a couple days late, as it was written on Monday. Today marks a week away from the 6th anniversary of Joe's passing. This seems impossible. Joe's death feels like it was yesterday and forever ago, simultaneously. 6 years ago I was exhausted emotionally and physically. It was a Monday and the first day of spring. We used to drink beer on Mondays. I tried to have Mondays off, so we could have the day. I usually spent too much money, but those are the best days in my memory. We would talk about whatever. And laugh. Anyway on that Monday, I was up very early and I was salty. I began drinking at 8am. Our backyard was flowering and the sun was shining in on Joe's hospice bed. He spent the day staring out the window. I could feel his apprehension. He had to leave, because his body was failing but he didn't want to. I didn't want him to either. Even though I had told him that he could. My mother in law was there all day. After she left, I crawled up on the bed with h

Before Joe passed away, he lost his wedding ring, when we moved into the house. We'd always had matching rings, so I put mine away and bought new ones. They were a thick metal, steel maybe. They were inexpensive and sturdier than our gold rings. I began working in production. I lost my ring twice at work. Both times it was found, fortunately. It hurt my fingers as my peripheral neuropathy from my CMT (which will be covered later) was getting worse. I began to leave my ring in the car when I was at work and I'd put it back on when I got home. Everyone knew I had been married for many years. Sometimes I wouldn't put my ring back on, because it hurt. Joe began to suspect something. I'm sure my behavior was completely suspect, by this time, but I was distracting with work and beer and cannabis, not another man. I am not proud of my behavior, but my life as I knew it was rapidly approaching the end. I was trying to hold it all together as it was crashing down aro

The tattoo we both got the summer before Joe died  What I thought widow hood would look like and what it actually is are completely different. I never wanted to be a widow when I grew up, yet here I am. I thought I would be treated with kindness and respect. I thought people would check on me, feed my house, and ensure we were OK. Not to say that I don't have amazing people who have been there for me, because I absolutely do! And I am grateful for all of them! However the reality of being a widow has been an eye opener. I have lost contact with most of my dear husband's friends and family. I have been judged for the difficult decisions I made at the request of my best friend. Having a sick spouse you talk about death and how they want you to handle things. He had requested not to be resuscitated. He didn't want to be a vegetable. Even though I didn't want to, I let him go, the way he wanted. After 15 years I felt like a failure because he died. For all our y

            Flowers I got myself  As Valentines Day approaches, I am taken back in time. Joe showed me every single day that he loved me, and we all know that Valentines Day is the day when people who don't usually go out decide to fill the restaurants and theaters. In the service industry, it's known as the amateur hour. Joe and I would usually go out day drinking at local breweries and find a delicious meal on Valentines Day, if I got the day off, then we would go home and watch a movie. He was always good about making me feel special, especially on the important days. Our last Valentines Day was 2 years before he passed away. We had driven from Montana after attending my grandmother's funeral. We got into town late, and it began snowing. We forgot that it was Valentines Day. Every restaurant was fully booked, except for one. We were tired and hungry and we wanted to get home. I didn't feel like celebrating anything, and I didn't know that it would be

As some of you may know, it's winter in the presert. Which means dog rug time. Dogs in every space on the floor, right by the wood burning stove. Yes, dogs have been stepped on and getting anywhere is impossible in the dark. I have become a dog rug ninja. I've had up to 8 dogs in the dog rug. Winter time means almost every dog in at night. Single digits outside versus a nice toasty fire. Out of the wind. Stoking the fire in the middle of the dog rug is challenging and usually dogs must be moved temporarily. It's like dog twister, walking in the dog rug, in order to avoid stepping on any dog bodies. This is one of the few times that they all get along, because they could be kicked out. Everyone snores loudly when I'm not wading through the dog rug. I love that sound! Snoring dogs. Many don't know what it took to get here. They just know this place and nothing else. Here is their home. They protect it fiercely. And now they dream. A happy sight, the dog ru

I was raised, like many of you, with the notion that someday someone would rescue me and we would live happily ever after. I thought I had to be part of a couple. I watched my parents, and others, make unwise decisions just to be with someone. From the time I was 17 I was in a relationship. I thought I had to endure bullshit to stay in a lot of the relationships. I got to have a little bit of a fairy tale when I met Joe, but it wasn't always easy and sometimes we just didn't give up. I'm sure we both wanted to, at times. After he died, the scariest notion was to be alone forever. I quickly sought out another relationship. I was in no condition to do so, and he was unable to be Joe, but I tried to make it work anyway. That relationship just about destroyed me, however it brought me to the presert. Then I found myself alone out here. After 46 years of life, I realized that I didn't know who I was without a man. And I hated myself for being human. I had made so

The picture Joe took of me in 2017 when he helped me buy a car In 2017, just a couple months before Joe died, he cosigned a beautiful vehicle for me. Neither of us had great credit, but he could always help me get a car. Even though he had no income except for social security. Even if he had no job and I had 2 or more. Anyway, he always wanted everything for us. He was rapidly declining and legally his signature wouldn't have held up in court. I'm not completely sure he knew what he was doing, other than trying to take care of his family. His dementia had taken him mostly away, but he knew that he loved me and our son, and maybe he knew that this would be the last thing he could do for us. Since Christmas things had been unraveling quickly. I think he knew that he had to leave, but he wasn't ready, and he knew that we weren't going to be alright. Joe wanted to belong somewhere and now he did and he wasn't allowed to stay. We were approved for a newish ca

My mom recently sent me this picture of me from about 45 years ago. She found it in my grandma's prayer book. (She was a Catholic) It made me think back to this little girl. She was small and thin. She didn't smile often, because of silver caps on her teeth, thus the tightly pursed lips. Thankfully they were on her baby teeth. She was serious and contemplative, but could be silly and playful. She had a dry sense of humor. She loved who she loved, and protected those people fiercely. She was the youngest at this time. She adored her dad, her mom, her maternal grandparents and her brother. Her parents were separated by the time she was 3. She left her home when she was about 4. She was angry and scared, but she was excellent at hiding her feelings. She felt ugly and self conscious. She hated what she saw in the mirror, especially her hair. She was awkward and clumsy. She was already a badass, though, she didn't know that yet. She was intelligent and sharp witted.

Funny how we start a fairy tale with once upon a time. This is not a fairy tale, but I definitely got to have my knight in shining armor. He never saw himself that way, and he might not have known that he saved me, but he did. He didn't see his incredible magic,  and I didn't always appreciate it, but it was always there. I can't tell you when I stopped believing, but it was early in my life. My life seemed to be challenging from the beginning, but I am strong. Ridiculously strong. I don't know where that comes from either, yet I have it. I identify with ants. It seems that I can endure the inconceivable and stand again, seemingly unscathed. Of course, I have incurred permanent reminders of the harshness of life and people, but I have somehow managed to thrive, like a flower growing through concrete. I count myself fortunate to have survived, and for my mighty spirit. I come from a very long line of badasses.  When I met Joe, I had given up on ever having happily ever a