Check In

Hello my fellow travelers. Once again life has swept me up in it. So many things are happening, good things. I have been sober for 26 months as of 2 days ago. I have been sober for approximately 1,138,900 minutes. One day at a time, sometimes one second at a time. And no cigarettes for 9 months. Life is really good, so my brain always looks for something to be awry. Joe has been gone 9 years as of March 20th. I'd love to say that I'm over it, but that would be a lie. And I'm ok with that. With as much as I love him, it would be unreasonable to assume that I will ever forget. Since becoming sober, I've changed so much. I'm no longer tolerating any bullshit, regardless of who it comes from. Which means I am losing people in my life. My boundaries are becoming firmer, and I believe someone when they show me who they are, the first time. I'm becoming less of a people pleaser, and thinking more about myself; and my own safety and recovery. For the first time, ever, I am putting myself first. The biggest change I've encountered is a commitment to this life. Since becoming a widow, I didn't want to accept that I would have to live without him. I kept living but with great resistance. This wasn't how I'd imagined my life was going to be. Recently that has been shifting for me. I've begun embracing my life. I've embraced my solitude. I'm becoming more accepting of reality. I don't hate this life, even though it's not what I thought it would look like. I actually quite love it. My stick watering paid off and some of my trees survived the winter. I've planted more. I'm looking at planting things that require less water since I don't have a plentiful water supply. I'm comfortable in my own skin, after 53 years. I speak kinder to myself. Peace is still a work in progress. 

My mom just visited, which was awesome!! It was a very short few days, but I needed to see my mom. She got to see my place, which she hadn't seen in 6.5 years. Needless to say, she is very proud of me. To be honest, I'm so proud of myself too. I wasn't sure if I'd survive it, but here I am thriving. 

The world is challenging right now, so be kind to yourself. There's so many critics in the world, don't allow yourself to be one to yourself. Build a relationship with yourself. Much love friends, Ceeeej 

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