Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

The Kiefer Pear in the picture was just a stick for a month, and shot up when I cut her down to the thick part in the middle . I hope this finds everyone well. Life is a struggle. Not sure why but that's the way it is. This year I decided to start some fruit and shade trees. Out in the presert! Crazy, I know. I can't tell you how many trees I've attempted to grow out here. This year I was fortunate enough to find older trees. A couple years old. I have many things against me here. The wind, the sand, the lack of water, the temperature, etc. Oh, and I live on a hill. If you've never lived in a desert, it's unlike anything else. My ground is a combination of sand and clay. Not the best for growing anything but weeds and cacti. I've spent many hours watering sticks. Wandering around the yard watering nothing, being followed by my furry four legged loyal companions. I was diligent, but ignorant. I did nearly everything wrong. I watered at night. Which se...

In March it was 8 years since I lost my husband. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like another life. He was truly my best friend! We could spend every minute together. Were we dysfunctional, of course, but we tried to be better than the examples we'd seen. We were both unhealed. So things were a struggle. And he was battling Multiple Sclerosis. He was always on my side. He would help me to see logic as I tend to lead with my heart. He was aware of my feelings and avoided hurting them when possible. Recently I realized that he was my emotional regulator. We were very different but very similar. He was calmer than I was. I was usually on the ceiling, being dramatic. I now understand that this was from all of the bullshit I'd endured. He tried to make me feel safe. I trusted him completely. That says a lot, because I barely trusted myself, let alone anyone else. He required that people show me respect. He never beat up anyone....

Happy Spring/Summer! As you might have guessed I try to do as many things naturally as I can. It's that time of year when all the critters are out and about. I've been going through my storage in my Renegade bus. This is where I have Joe and my, and our son's, stuff. Unfortunately the mice got into some of it. Thankfully they didn't damage anything super important, so far. This might sound like a simple task, but it's so difficult for me. Obviously moving off grid I had to downsize, but these are all that is left of nearly 21 years, besides our son, of course. While I wade through the boxes I am reminded that I have to be on top of keeping the pests out. While I was drinking I was too busy with drinking to pay attention. Unfortunately I had tunnel vision. Fortunately the fog is lifting and I see all the things that I need to do. I've begun planting a variety of trees and I have a little garden. I also have mice/rats, rabbits, lizards, birds, and bugs...

Recently I was on the Internet, dangerous, I know. I saw some comments on a person's page stating that older people are no longer valuable. This person is my age. I'm 52. I was shocked! I'm a much better person than I was in my 20s or 30s. When I was younger I was angry underneath, I was trying to hide everything that I had been through. I was very concerned with my appearance and I wasn't always nice. I had giant walls up all the time. As I become older, I realize how much time I wasted on nonsense. Worrying about what others thought of me. Having to look a certain way. Fretting over boys. Spending too much time doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Bickering over who was right. Caring about others' perceptions of me. Not being present. Trying to be perfect. So much wasted energy. I realize now the incredible amount of energy I gave to things and people that didn't matter. Things I have no control over. Now I see that I was trying to not be found out...

Happy Tuesday, my people! Recently I was talking to one of my closest friends, she's known me since I was in my 20s, about my recovery, and she asked me how I did it. Thanks to her, I will share what has worked for me. In the beginning, I found it rather easy not to drink. I'd just had my hip replaced and I was on opioids and I was incredibly wobbly. It didn't make sense for me to drink. At the suggestion of my therapist, I broke up with alcohol. I found it helpful for me to make alcohol into a no contact relationship. Like a toxic relationship with a person, alcohol became more damaging than good, so I imagined that we had a restraining order between us. This was easy due to my previous dysfunctional romance, that ended two months before I got sober. I just thought of beer like I thought of him. No contact.  Not drinking was easy until I came home. Back to the presert, back to the school bus. On the way home it was so difficult not to stop and get a 6 pack. I needed someth...

after a couple hours  Happy 420 friends! Today some will celebrate Easter and some will celebrate cannabis. Either is fine with me, however I wish people wouldn't wish me a happy Easter, but they thought of me. Today I am grateful. We, the animals and I, endured a surprise winter storm. The only one this winter. The winter has been dry and windy and cold. It's been an odd one. I wasn't prepared for a storm so I don't have much wood cut up. My solar power went out due to being covered in snow, and my electric heater. I got at least 8 inches, if not more, of heavy wet snow. I was told later that we got over a foot of snow. Visibility was zero. The fence was filled with snow. The snow lasted longer than expected by the weather people. My chimney had blown off and I didn't want to make a fire for fear of smoking us out. After losing power from using my heater, I put on a bunch of clothes and grabbed a blanket. I waited for the power to come back on and tried...

.                    Sunset  Once again I find myself apologizing for being so tardy in posting. I am sorry. I will most likely do it again, since life happens. I'm healing from many things. Obviously still working on grief and trauma, also recovering from a hip replacement. I'm doing very well with my new hip, and I'm doing physical therapy and walking my dogs. I wish I would have replaced it sooner. I'm dedicated to my physical health, as well as my emotional health. I'm still no contact with my previous ex. It's been 6 months. It's not always been easy to keep no contact, but it is an absolute necessity. I'm reminded by friends and family what could happen if I don't remain no contact. I'm regaining my life back. I'm beginning to realize that his behavior had nothing to do with me. I've stopped drinking. It's been 4 and a half months without a beer. I never imagined that I would quit drinking. After losing Joe, it felt like that ...