Deathiversary

This is a couple days late, as it was written on Monday. Today marks a week away from the 6th anniversary of Joe's passing. This seems impossible. Joe's death feels like it was yesterday and forever ago, simultaneously. 6 years ago I was exhausted emotionally and physically. It was a Monday and the first day of spring. We used to drink beer on Mondays. I tried to have Mondays off, so we could have the day. I usually spent too much money, but those are the best days in my memory. We would talk about whatever. And laugh. Anyway on that Monday, I was up very early and I was salty. I began drinking at 8am. Our backyard was flowering and the sun was shining in on Joe's hospice bed. He spent the day staring out the window. I could feel his apprehension. He had to leave, because his body was failing but he didn't want to. I didn't want him to either. Even though I had told him that he could. My mother in law was there all day. After she left, I crawled up on the bed with him, one last time. I whispered the things I had to say, for the last time. That night my life would be altered forever. And our son's. That was the second time our son saw me cry in his 17 years. I bawled uncontrollably while I tried to call the funeral home and my mother in law. Today I look back to that day,  and I am grateful for all of the time I got to have with that amazing man. His life and his death changed me in ways I could never have imagined. I am who and where I am in large part to his presence, and later his absence, in my life. Today I miss him and weep for his absence. And in a week I will celebrate his love in some way. Sincerely Ceeeej