Widow Hood

The tattoo we both got the summer before Joe died 

What I thought widow hood would look like and what it actually is are completely different. I never wanted to be a widow when I grew up, yet here I am. I thought I would be treated with kindness and respect. I thought people would check on me, feed my house, and ensure we were OK. Not to say that I don't have amazing people who have been there for me, because I absolutely do! And I am grateful for all of them! However the reality of being a widow has been an eye opener. I have lost contact with most of my dear husband's friends and family. I have been judged for the difficult decisions I made at the request of my best friend. Having a sick spouse you talk about death and how they want you to handle things. He had requested not to be resuscitated. He didn't want to be a vegetable. Even though I didn't want to, I let him go, the way he wanted. After 15 years I felt like a failure because he died. For all our years together I gave him the best life I could. I learned patience and flexibility. I had to cancel plans because he was sick. I had to turn down opportunities and invitations. I did what was best for the 3 of us. I felt like after all I had done that I might receive something in return. That's not what I did it for, but I felt like I must have built some massive good karma. I lost everything when I lost Joe, or so it seemed. I lost people I had known and loved for nearly 21 years. Suddenly I was alone. Our son was angry at me for the loss of his father. I came undone right before his eyes. I had built my life around him and his dad, and he was almost done with high school and his dad was gone. It was very lonely in the grief and I had zero experience. Everyone had advice to give, but none had experienced anything like this. I was lost and my life had unraveled rapidly. I never expected that it would be over too soon and I would be without him. There I was. All by myself with a bunch of skills that no longer served me. I had always worked hard and now I couldn't work at all. I had huge bills that I couldn't afford. And a giant gaping hole in my chest. The planet continued to spin, but I didn't want to be on it anymore. I was surrounded by all his things and lived in the house where he took his last breath. 21 years came crashing down around me and it was too much. Now I see that I had to be broken completely so that I could become whole. I had to be brought to my knees, so that I could become present every day. I had to finally save myself, instead of everyone else. I had to lose everything to find myself. This is not what I thought my life would look like. I didn't have any idea that I would be here. I'm so grateful for all of it. Even the terrible things. It all brought me to the presert. Life doesn't always work out as planned, sometimes it turns out to be what we need. By the way, Valentines Day didn't go to plan, but it was a great day! One of the best I've had in a long time! Much love, Ceeeej