The wedding ring

Before Joe passed away, he lost his wedding ring, when we moved into the house. We'd always had matching rings, so I put mine away and bought new ones. They were a thick metal, steel maybe. They were inexpensive and sturdier than our gold rings. I began working in production. I lost my ring twice at work. Both times it was found, fortunately. It hurt my fingers as my peripheral neuropathy from my CMT (which will be covered later) was getting worse. I began to leave my ring in the car when I was at work and I'd put it back on when I got home. Everyone knew I had been married for many years. Sometimes I wouldn't put my ring back on, because it hurt. Joe began to suspect something. I'm sure my behavior was completely suspect, by this time, but I was distracting with work and beer and cannabis, not another man. I am not proud of my behavior, but my life as I knew it was rapidly approaching the end. I was trying to hold it all together as it was crashing down around me. I would wear my ring when I was with Joe. I didn't want him to think horrible things about me. One day, around when he died, I found my old wedding ring and put it on. I felt better just putting it on and it didn't hurt my finger as much. I've worn it for most of my 5 years of being a widow. I change the hand it's on, depending on the temperature, but I wear it. When I take it off, I feel strange. Not sure how to explain it, but it's uncomfortable. Will I take it off, someday, maybe. After 6 years, it's a reminder of the wonderful and horrible years I spent with him. The man who was my cheerleader, my best friend, my whole life for 21 years, almost. The man who loved me where I was. He who lifted me above anything I could have attained on my own. I wish I could have been better for him, but I was my best self I could be. Ceeeej 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Very Long Time Ago

Image
My mom recently sent me this picture of me from about 45 years ago. She found it in my grandma's prayer book. (She was a Catholic) It made me think back to this little girl. She was small and thin. She didn't smile often, because of silver caps on her teeth, thus the tightly pursed lips. Thankfully they were on her baby teeth. She was serious and contemplative, but could be silly and playful. She had a dry sense of humor. She loved who she loved, and protected those people fiercely. She was the youngest at this time. She adored her dad, her mom, her maternal grandparents and her brother. Her parents were separated by the time she was 3. She left her home when she was about 4. She was angry and scared, but she was excellent at hiding her feelings. She felt ugly and self conscious. She hated what she saw in the mirror, especially her hair. She was awkward and clumsy. She was already a badass, though, she didn't know that yet. She was intelligent and sharp witted.
Read more

Charcot Marie Tooth CMT

Image
pictured is my leg brace, known as an AFO, to support my ankles and legs In 2012, I broke 3 bones in my foot, 3 toes, and ruptured my Achilles. I had twisted my foot walking and all of me came down on my foot. I got to ride in an ambulance for the first time ever. My foot was numb and I turned down the offers of pain medication. Shortly after, I had my foot repaired. The toes they couldn't fix. And we were unaware of the ruptured Achilles. I didn't walk for 5 months, even after months of physical therapy. I was unable to put my right foot down. Due to my lack of judgment I rushed to return to work. I had begun to experience burning in my foot early after breaking it. The doctor had no idea what was going on. He tested me for diabetes. I healed up the best I could, working full time and being a mom and wife/caretaker. In 2013, I had my Achilles repaired. Shortly after, I was diagnosed with Charcot Marie Tooth, CMT. This was the cause of the burning in my foot. I was
Read more

Gratitude

Image
Good day to you all. I hope this finds you well. Kids are returning to school, and summer is apparently coming to a close. The days are not as hot in the presert, and the nights are becoming cooler. We've had a little rain, but not nearly enough. The rain has mostly just made it humid. And, yes, the usual dry heat here is very different than when it's humid. I've cleared the 10 days of hell for the 7th time. The fog is beginning to lift on my widow brain. At this, and other tough times, I find that the best thing I can do is to be grateful for the things that aren't shit. I have food, and shelter, and clothes, and animals, and people who love me. I have flowers and trees and food growing in the sand. I am in decent health, all things considered. Gratitude helps to remind us how blessed we are. Not focusing on how much life can be a fucking dumpster fire. It feels like when I am struggling, life becomes more challenging. It must be Murphy's Law. This set
Read more