Single

I was raised, like many of you, with the notion that someday someone would rescue me and we would live happily ever after. I thought I had to be part of a couple. I watched my parents, and others, make unwise decisions just to be with someone. From the time I was 17 I was in a relationship. I thought I had to endure bullshit to stay in a lot of the relationships. I got to have a little bit of a fairy tale when I met Joe, but it wasn't always easy and sometimes we just didn't give up. I'm sure we both wanted to, at times. After he died, the scariest notion was to be alone forever. I quickly sought out another relationship. I was in no condition to do so, and he was unable to be Joe, but I tried to make it work anyway. That relationship just about destroyed me, however it brought me to the presert. Then I found myself alone out here. After 46 years of life, I realized that I didn't know who I was without a man. And I hated myself for being human. I had made so many mistakes and I beat myself up constantly inside my own head. Being alone was terrifying, especially at night. Nighttime is the most difficult part for me as a widow. My brain told me that I would be single forever. I dreaded the thought of permanent solitude. I distracted myself with drinking too much and hanging out with my friends. I spent very little time alone. When I was home my tears would flow uncontrollably. I fought them back, as much as I could, yet they would only stop when I was around people. I avoided what I considered negative feelings. Finally, I knew that I was going to have to lean into my grief. And stop beating myself up for the past. Being single has taught me so much. I know who I am and I like the person I am. Still working on self love. I don't say horrible things to myself and I don't accept terrible comments from others. I love to do things by myself. I enjoy my own company. I take little road trips and sing loudly. I go out to lunch without feeling awkward, like people are staring at me. I still get comments that I need a man. I know that I am not there yet and might never be. I'm totally OK with that. I know today that I don't need a man. I have lived quite successfully off grid without one. I have people I can pay to help me with heavy lifting and anything I can't do by myself. I have come to rely on myself and maybe that's why I'm here. I have found myself and know my own worth. When I am home I feel peace. I'm not a half, looking for someone to make me whole. I am whole. I am free. I can hear myself. Surprisingly I am not lonely. I always have something to do and my animals are extraordinary company. I didn't expect life to look like it does, but I needed to be here so I could find myself. I no longer feel crippled when the bus shakes from the storm outside. I don't fight back the tears. I let them flow, because they still arrive. I don't believe the lies told in music and films that I have to have someone to feel like a complete person. I have found that people treat me differently because I don't have a partner. Like I'm just a stupid little girl playing off grid, but I don't have to listen to them. I know that I'm a badass and I always have been. With or without a man. I highly recommend being single so that you might find yourself and build a relationship with the one who is always there, yourself. Life is a journey, and it's not always pretty but it's so worth it. Much love, Ceeeej 

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