Holidays

With the holidays approaching, and recent changes I've decided to make to this holiday season, I felt that I should share it with all of you. First, I will share with you that I have always hated the holidays. Growing up there was tension and fighting usually, and everyone trying to pretend that our house was filled with love. Of course, unfortunately, that wasn't the reality. My favorite childhood memories took place at my grandparents house, however that usually meant that I had to get on an airplane. Also, not one of my favorites. I met Joe and he loved the holidays, and he would try to guess what his presents were, even before our son was born. He would cook elaborate meals and I would bake while Christmas music or movies played in the living room. We would generally spend more money than we should have, and everyone in the house would feel spoiled. Joe loved making the holidays as special as possible, and I would do my best to be happy. Which was nearly impossible, but I did make the attempt. After our son was born, I found a little joy in watching our son on Christmas day and Joe being the giant kid he often was. They would be in the middle of the floor playing with new toys. In these moments at home, I didn't hate the holidays. Then came the things that we thought were required to do. Spending time with our relatives. I love my parents and Joe's family, however I have since come to a very important conclusion. I don't do well with rushing around, spending too much money, and the often unreasonably high expectations we place on ourselves during the holidays. Making sure to give everyone time, sending cards, calling family that is far away, parties, etc. I overextended myself emotionally and physically for over 4 decades. I remember my husband's last holiday season with us. We were at my mother in law's house, opening presents and eating dinner, as we had done for most of our 20 years together. For many Christmas's, my mother in law would come be with us as she lived in a different state, and we would have a wonderful time. This Christmas was different and tensions were high and Joe decided that he didn't want to do it anymore. He was angry and wanted to go home, and I agreed to that. Part of his change in attitude was due to his dementia, I'm sure, but in his dementia there was brilliance. He had recently become agitated,  and perhaps he knew that this would be his last Christmas with us. He rapidly declined after Christmas and died in March. His behavior of that Christmas is possibly part of what brought me to my recent choice. In life, we fill ourselves with outrageous expectations, at least I know that I have, especially around the holidays. It must be perfect. We must overextend ourselves and our line of credit, and do things we don't want to. We must be filled with joy and the "Christmas spirit ". We must attend the parties and celebrate. After losing Joe everything changed, and I no longer had the energy to do it all. I tried, for our son, to be in the spirit. I'm pretty sure that I failed horribly, but I made the attempt. This year, after 5.5 years of being a widow, I've decided that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I understand that I will miss him, and I am almost guaranteed to have tears. There will be anger and sadness and that's all ok. I am not participating in Thanksgiving this year, even though I will take the time to be grateful. I haven't made a decision about Christmas yet, but I will take extra care of myself. I will cancel plans, if necessary, and I am allowed to change my mind at any point. I'm under no obligation to do shit I hate. The holidays are different now, but I will fill the days with people I enjoy, and I will recall the many wonderful times we had together. I will send love and positive vibes to my family and friends. I will not feel guilty for not wanting to participate in all of the festivities, and I will allow myself to be wherever I am. It is unreasonable for me, or anyone else, to expect me to be who I was and for things to remain unchanged. I urge you this holiday season to make space for yourself and your well-being. Please don't overextend and exhaust yourself. Be present when you are with your loved ones, and don't worry about the presents that you can't afford. The best present you can give is your time and love. Upon, canceling my plans for Thanksgiving, I feel empowered. I will make plans for the holidays, but I will not live under others expectations of what it should look like. I will do what is best for me and only what I am able to do. I wish the same for you. This holiday season do whatever is best for you, and please be kind to yourself if you can't do and buy all the things. I'm so grateful to be able to share with all of you who read this, and I am so grateful to be free to do what works for me. May the rest of the year be filled with peace, gratitude, love, and happiness. We deserve nothing less. May next year be filled with self love and standing up for ourselves. Much love, Ceeeej

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