Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Hello my friends. With the upcoming holidays and my new sobriety, something very important was pointed out to me. I must protect my sobriety. Recently I went on a couple trips to see my family and friends, by myself, besides my puppy, Loca. These were my first trips solo since losing my husband. It was many of the places we'd been to and many of the people who knew him. Lots of triggers. I mean, seriously!! All of the triggers! How did I stay sober? And have an amazing time? Well, I took a lot of deep breaths. A lot. I was as present as I could be. I reminded myself that these are the people who love me. These are the people who have endured my horrible grief, sometimes spewed on to social media or over the phone or in person. I was able to put down my sword and be more myself. I was awkward and uncomfortable, but I got through everything. Scared, angry, sad, happy, proud, nervous, loved... I just felt it all. At the end of these adventures is when it was brought to my attention th...

Hello, friends. I apologize for being so late in posting. Life has been crazy, per usual, and winter is once again here. I hope you are all well. Recently I celebrated my 51st birthday.  While I'm so grateful to be blessed with each day, birthdays are different now, and I miss my person extra. Here is something that came to mind. Something happened when Joe died, I became homeless. I still had a roof over my head, but I no longer had a home. He had been my home. Who was I without him? I no longer knew. He had been my world, and suddenly my world imploded. He has been gone almost 7 years, and I am still angry and sad. Angry at myself for not being able to prevent his death, and angry at him for abandoning us, and angry at the planet for not noticing that he wasn't there anymore. I have built a brand new life, but I can still feel the gaping hole that he resided in. I have tried to fill it with people, alcohol, distractions. Nothing has been successful. I am trying not to dread t...

With the holidays approaching, and recent changes I've decided to make to this holiday season, I felt that I should share it with all of you. First, I will share with you that I have always hated the holidays. Growing up there was tension and fighting usually, and everyone trying to pretend that our house was filled with love. Of course, unfortunately, that wasn't the reality. My favorite childhood memories took place at my grandparents house, however that usually meant that I had to get on an airplane. Also, not one of my favorites. I met Joe and he loved the holidays, and he would try to guess what his presents were, even before our son was born. He would cook elaborate meals and I would bake while Christmas music or movies played in the living room. We would generally spend more money than we should have, and everyone in the house would feel spoiled. Joe loved making the holidays as special as possible, and I would do my best to be happy. Which was nearly impossible, but I d...