Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Very recently, unfortunately, we lost a member of the dog pack. Zoey Bear, who I just wrote about and who just turned 2, passed away. Quite unexpectedly, she got into mouse poison and was gone in 3 days. We are all heartbroken. She was born at my house, along with her brothers and sisters. 8 in total. I immediately fell in love with her. She was my smallest dog with the biggest heart. She was my cuddle bug. She loved attention. To me, she was a sweetheart. She was a bully to any dog smaller than herself. She let Luna and Roxy, her sister from a previous litter, pick on her. Her tail was like a propeller. She was a happy girl.  Life feels different for all of us. Like something is missing. It seems as though the dogs are looking for her. I did something I've never done before. I buried her myself. It was so difficult. It made it so final, but I can visit her everyday. I cry. I tell her that I miss her. I don't have any idea what happens when we die, but I know that she had an aw...

In 2018 I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I had no idea what that meant and I didn't understand how it happened. I wasn't in combat, so how could I have PTSD and what did the complex part mean. I had developed complex PTSD from a lifetime of trauma. My entire life was a reaction, because of the traumas. I was unaware that I had been drug around my life by PTSD. I didn't know what to do next. I had just lost my husband. Suddenly I couldn't "manage" my PTSD any longer. I was unable to be in crowds without a panic attack. I was overrun with anxiety. I felt out of control and broken. I'd been so high functioning for so long and now I could barely leave my house. I'm not the type of person who seeks help, especially from head shrinkers, psychologists. I had no other choice. This was too big for me. I couldn't do it alone. I believed that I was irreparable and that the traumas were my fault. I felt like I would be forever damaged. Add on to the PTSD, co...

A lot of years ago, seems like another life ago, I was brave and mighty and seemingly unstoppable. Then it happened, everything crashed and the facade came crumbling down. Was he my best friend, yes! Was he my love, yes! Was he my beer drinking, hat wearing, music loving partner in crime, yes! The facade is the fact that things were much worse for us, especially him, than any of us ever let on. He was definitely one of my favorite people to be with. We spent as much time together as we could. He was truly my friend and love. On the first day of spring when he passed away I had no idea that my life was going to change, completely and utterly. We'd always talked about how he wanted me to handle this, but I'd never even thought about what happened after that. What was I supposed to do now? I had left my job and had bills and my son and a house and a car I couldn't afford. Returning to work was not an option at the time. Sometimes I barely got out of bed or left the house. How ...

For 49 years I have been a female human. I was just born this way. I'm not responsible for it. In that time I have been told how I am supposed to be. I have been told what I can and can't do. I have repeatedly been told to be a lady. Something I have never aimed to be. I've felt like I was bad at being a girl. I'm a good cook, but I hate to cook. I prefer baking to cooking. Maybe because it reminds me of my grandma. And it doesn't require constant attention. I am opinionated and intelligent and have a big voice. I'm no shrinking violet. Nor a wallflower. Nor a damsel in distress. I'm not demure. I can do the hair, the makeup, and the beautiful clothes, but I'm still me under all of that. I'm mighty inside of this smallish body. I used to feel like it was a cruel joke. People based their opinions on the outside of me, as many people do. I have been body shamed for being thin. Which has turned out to be a medical condition, strangely enough. I  have be...

Meet the dogs. The oldest is Kiwi, she is a 9 year old Australian Shepherd and Blue Heeler. I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. She is my protector and best dog friend. We have been through a lot together and even though her arthritis is getting worse she loves this life. Luna Jade is a 3 year old black lab pit bull mix. She is an 80 pound puppy who loves cuddling and adventures. She loves to go anywhere. She is a big galoot with a big heart. She is unquestionably the alpha, but her reign is being challenged. She was born on the first day of spring and she is a moon baby. I got her when she was only 2 or 3 weeks old. Roxy is 2 years old and I don't know what kind of dog she is but she is a beautiful multi-colored brown dog. She is a smaller dog, but she doesn't know that. She is just as badass as the big dogs. I call her my supermodel dog, because she is so lovely. She's travel size, but doesn't like to travel. She prefers to live outside and has endured every t...