Older

Recently I was on the Internet, dangerous, I know. I saw some comments on a person's page stating that older people are no longer valuable. This person is my age. I'm 52. I was shocked! I'm a much better person than I was in my 20s or 30s. When I was younger I was angry underneath, I was trying to hide everything that I had been through. I was very concerned with my appearance and I wasn't always nice. I had giant walls up all the time.

As I become older, I realize how much time I wasted on nonsense. Worrying about what others thought of me. Having to look a certain way. Fretting over boys. Spending too much time doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Bickering over who was right. Caring about others' perceptions of me. Not being present. Trying to be perfect. So much wasted energy. I realize now the incredible amount of energy I gave to things and people that didn't matter. Things I have no control over. Now I see that I was trying to not be found out. I always wore a mask.

As I have come out of my addiction, I see so many mistakes and wasted time. This would be the perfect opportunity for me to abuse myself. Not this time. Yes I understand that I have lived under the influence of my traumas for most of my life. I spent a lot of time believing that I was being myself, yet who I really am was buried under all of my survival skills/defense mechanisms. I have only been able to show a few people who I am. I spent many years not feeling safe to be who I am. I felt that if people knew I'd be cast out, exiled. 

I'm healing so that I can be more myself. I'm working on accepting myself, everything about me. It's so easy to look back on the past and judge myself, but it's not fair to do that to. I know better now, but I didn't have the information back then. I can't change the past. I can only go forward and improve my future. 

Growing older has provided me with wisdom and experience. And that I don't have unlimited amounts of energy to give to shenanigans. I also no longer give a shit what people think of me. I don't have time for games of cat and mouse. And I am able to be more myself, because for the first time in 52 years, I like who I am. With all my scars and my missteps and my cracks. I'm no longer interested in being perfect. I'm no longer the reaction to all the trauma. I don't need to wear a mask. I don't need to be anything else, other than who I am. 

Some people don't get to grow old. My husband died at 44 years old. The result of that is that I am so grateful for every single day. I am grateful for my white hairs, my wrinkles, my broken heart, my wisdom, my self acceptance, all of it! I'm happy to be where I am and who I am. As Prince said so beautifully in his song Gold, "What's the use of bein' young, if you ain't gonna get old" 

Much love, Ceeeej 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trying something new

Recently I quit drinking. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. It was something I was very conscious of, having an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately, shortly before losing Joe, my drinking was very much out of hand. Probably fortunately I got a DUI 11 days following his death, on April Fools. I'd probably been drunk the entire time. I abstained from alcohol for 16 months, while I was on probation. I drank some of the time after that, for a while, until, once again, it got out of hand. I got my third and final DUI on New Year's Eve. I continued to drive under the influence, just not in public. Unfortunately, it didn't sink in after my third DUI either. I continued to drink excessively. I made horrible decisions constantly. I put myself and others at risk. I broke my own nose, falling down my stairs, drunk. I accepted unacceptable behavior from people, especially those that were supposed to love me. I allowed my peace to be disrupted. I de...
Read more

What's up

.                    Sunset  Once again I find myself apologizing for being so tardy in posting. I am sorry. I will most likely do it again, since life happens. I'm healing from many things. Obviously still working on grief and trauma, also recovering from a hip replacement. I'm doing very well with my new hip, and I'm doing physical therapy and walking my dogs. I wish I would have replaced it sooner. I'm dedicated to my physical health, as well as my emotional health. I'm still no contact with my previous ex. It's been 6 months. It's not always been easy to keep no contact, but it is an absolute necessity. I'm reminded by friends and family what could happen if I don't remain no contact. I'm regaining my life back. I'm beginning to realize that his behavior had nothing to do with me. I've stopped drinking. It's been 4 and a half months without a beer. I never imagined that I would quit drinking. After losing Joe, it felt like that ...
Read more

Gratitude

Image
Recently I have had some extra challenges to manage, along with regular life shit. I am now 6 months sober. A fact that I am super proud of. Being sober can be more stressful and more difficult, because there's no longer a buffer between me and life. I no longer lean on the crutch of alcohol, and I have to face life head on now. The sober life is definitely better than the drinking life, however it's very different. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is incredibly heavy. In those times I've found the best thing to do is to be grateful. Sometimes it's just something small. It may be gratitude for what isn't going wrong. I feel like most of the time I'm so blessed, but at times I forget. Living life without my person might be a reason I forget to be grateful. Even if life looks horrible, there is always something to be grateful for. When we are grateful for what we have, life gives us more to be grateful for. Waking up every morning. Havin...
Read more