Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Recently I was on the Internet, dangerous, I know. I saw some comments on a person's page stating that older people are no longer valuable. This person is my age. I'm 52. I was shocked! I'm a much better person than I was in my 20s or 30s. When I was younger I was angry underneath, I was trying to hide everything that I had been through. I was very concerned with my appearance and I wasn't always nice. I had giant walls up all the time. As I become older, I realize how much time I wasted on nonsense. Worrying about what others thought of me. Having to look a certain way. Fretting over boys. Spending too much time doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Bickering over who was right. Caring about others' perceptions of me. Not being present. Trying to be perfect. So much wasted energy. I realize now the incredible amount of energy I gave to things and people that didn't matter. Things I have no control over. Now I see that I was trying to not be found out...

Good day to all of you that read my blog! Spring is trying to spring here. It just snowed a week or so ago. A year ago, I had a hip replacement. I'd put it off for 3 decades, but I could put it off no longer. The pain was excruciating and I had such horrible arthritis that my hip just looked like a puff of smoke. Like a magic trick had just been performed and the magician had disappeared. I was scared to take this journey without my dear husband. I had to put my trust in some of my friends. I didn't know if I could rely on these people but I didn't have much choice. Looking back I could have gone to a rehab center, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that. I'm not a big fan of the medical system. I had asked a friend to take care of my animals while I was gone. And he happily agreed. My dogs know and love him, so I knew he would be safe. I had my surgery and went to another friend's house to recover. Things went relatively smoothly for about 2 weeks, and then I ...

According to doctors, I have had PTSD since childhood. And I suspect that I may be on the spectrum also. I am very high functioning/masking and went undiagnosed until I was in my mid 40s. Still undiagnosed on the spectrum side of things. Until after losing Joe, I thought that I was just different. It seemed like I had it all together, pretty much. I was excellent at hiding my PTSD/autism. I'd worked multiple jobs at a time, raised our tiny human, took care of almost everything, was a good wife and nurse to Joe. I did it all. I struggled with relationships with people outside of my small circle. I would talk frantically when I was uncomfortable. Meeting new people is still a struggle. I didn't realize that much of my experience was tainted by trauma and being on the spectrum. Was I merely a reaction to whatever was happening around me? After losing someone who was an integral part of my life I began to wonder who I was without him. And I began to feel like I had no idea who I wa...

Hello friends! I've been doing a lot of work lately, in all the ways. Today I am 1 year without a drink! I am so very proud of myself!! And still sometimes shocked. Joe and I were craft beer drinkers and brewers. Drinking beer had become a part of my identity. Drinking beer kept Joe here, I believed. I thought if I quit drinking another piece of him would be gone. I was wrong. I still have all of our wonderful memories and I'm finding it easier to access them. Recovery has brought many changes. The fog is lifting and I can see more clearly. Drinking was a way to drown the trauma and the grief, but only temporarily. In reality, when I stopped drinking all of that was waiting for me. I felt regret and guilt and shame and fear and anger for wasting so much time drinking. Drinking completely altered who I was. It made me into someone else. Someone I didn't like. I'm becoming someone else, in a more intentional way, this time. I'm more awkward than I've ever been, an...

        pink hair for the New Year  We're now in the throws of a new year. So far so good on my end. I hope everyone is staying warm and safe. It's been a very warm December. I'm assuming that means winter is running late. It's been cooling down at night. Thankfully I have enough wood for the winter. I love having a wood stove but it's work. I'm in the process of reinsulating my bus. When I did it originally I didn't have the money or the knowledge to do it right. I'm renovating my entire life. Like many of you, I was raised by hurt people. They did their best, but I still suffered from their broken behaviors. Their behaviors caused me to believe a lot of things about myself and the world that were not true. The most damage done is to my self worth. I have held so many incorrect beliefs for decades. I am undoing all the bullshit of the past. Setting boundaries has its consequences. I've recently been distancing myself from certain important figures i...