Mental Health

According to doctors, I have had PTSD since childhood. And I suspect that I may be on the spectrum also. I am very high functioning/masking and went undiagnosed until I was in my mid 40s. Still undiagnosed on the spectrum side of things. Until after losing Joe, I thought that I was just different. It seemed like I had it all together, pretty much. I was excellent at hiding my PTSD/autism. I'd worked multiple jobs at a time, raised our tiny human, took care of almost everything, was a good wife and nurse to Joe. I did it all. I struggled with relationships with people outside of my small circle. I would talk frantically when I was uncomfortable. Meeting new people is still a struggle. I didn't realize that much of my experience was tainted by trauma and being on the spectrum. Was I merely a reaction to whatever was happening around me? After losing someone who was an integral part of my life I began to wonder who I was without him. And I began to feel like I had no idea who I was. I started to feel like an imposter in my own life. I have certain things that must take place in my days. I protect my energy more than I have. I take deep breaths, a lot of them. I set and hold boundaries better than I ever have. I have built coping skills that are not destructive. I don't have to control every single thing. I am finding it easier to let people be where they are, and being where I am. This is taking practice, but I am getting better at it. And for the first time in my 52 years, I'm walking away from people who want to abuse me. Regardless of how much they mean to me. May you have peace and healing, Ceeeej 

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