Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

According to doctors, I have had PTSD since childhood. And I suspect that I may be on the spectrum also. I am very high functioning/masking and went undiagnosed until I was in my mid 40s. Still undiagnosed on the spectrum side of things. Until after losing Joe, I thought that I was just different. It seemed like I had it all together, pretty much. I was excellent at hiding my PTSD/autism. I'd worked multiple jobs at a time, raised our tiny human, took care of almost everything, was a good wife and nurse to Joe. I did it all. I struggled with relationships with people outside of my small circle. I would talk frantically when I was uncomfortable. Meeting new people is still a struggle. I didn't realize that much of my experience was tainted by trauma and being on the spectrum. Was I merely a reaction to whatever was happening around me? After losing someone who was an integral part of my life I began to wonder who I was without him. And I began to feel like I had no idea who I wa...

I hope June finds you all well. Recently I have had many changes. One of the most important changes I am making is a therapy type called EMDR, Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Since I have experienced multiple traumas in my life, I have been in therapy for several years. I have gone through a variety of therapy types. I don't think everyone benefits from therapy, but I have. I decided after losing Joe that I could no longer do it alone. For 4 decades, I had been a high functioning person with PTSD. I had no idea that I had PTSD. I thought people had to go to war to have PTSD, but my life has been horrible at times. Those experiences make me who I am, however I didn't want to be pulled around my life anymore by the traumas. I have found meditation excellent, especially for myself as I am a breath holder. EFT, Emotion-focused therapy, also known as tapping, is very effective, and your brain does all the work. Neurofeedback is effortless and starts repair...

In 2018 I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I had no idea what that meant and I didn't understand how it happened. I wasn't in combat, so how could I have PTSD and what did the complex part mean. I had developed complex PTSD from a lifetime of trauma. My entire life was a reaction, because of the traumas. I was unaware that I had been drug around my life by PTSD. I didn't know what to do next. I had just lost my husband. Suddenly I couldn't "manage" my PTSD any longer. I was unable to be in crowds without a panic attack. I was overrun with anxiety. I felt out of control and broken. I'd been so high functioning for so long and now I could barely leave my house. I'm not the type of person who seeks help, especially from head shrinkers, psychologists. I had no other choice. This was too big for me. I couldn't do it alone. I believed that I was irreparable and that the traumas were my fault. I felt like I would be forever damaged. Add on to the PTSD, co...