Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Hello my friends. With the upcoming holidays and my new sobriety, something very important was pointed out to me. I must protect my sobriety. Recently I went on a couple trips to see my family and friends, by myself, besides my puppy, Loca. These were my first trips solo since losing my husband. It was many of the places we'd been to and many of the people who knew him. Lots of triggers. I mean, seriously!! All of the triggers! How did I stay sober? And have an amazing time? Well, I took a lot of deep breaths. A lot. I was as present as I could be. I reminded myself that these are the people who love me. These are the people who have endured my horrible grief, sometimes spewed on to social media or over the phone or in person. I was able to put down my sword and be more myself. I was awkward and uncomfortable, but I got through everything. Scared, angry, sad, happy, proud, nervous, loved... I just felt it all. At the end of these adventures is when it was brought to my attention th...

Recently I have had some extra challenges to manage, along with regular life shit. I am now 6 months sober. A fact that I am super proud of. Being sober can be more stressful and more difficult, because there's no longer a buffer between me and life. I no longer lean on the crutch of alcohol, and I have to face life head on now. The sober life is definitely better than the drinking life, however it's very different. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is incredibly heavy. In those times I've found the best thing to do is to be grateful. Sometimes it's just something small. It may be gratitude for what isn't going wrong. I feel like most of the time I'm so blessed, but at times I forget. Living life without my person might be a reason I forget to be grateful. Even if life looks horrible, there is always something to be grateful for. When we are grateful for what we have, life gives us more to be grateful for. Waking up every morning. Havin...

Recently I returned to civilization, for a short amount of time, to visit some people. It was very interesting, especially travelling with a 15 month old Malinois puppy. Everything was new to Loca and it provided me a different perspective. She did really well, considering she's a puppy! I've been off grid for 6 years next month. And Loca has lived with me for a year. I used to belong in many of the places that I went to, but that's no longer the case. I felt uncomfortable and crowded. There was so many people everywhere and sounds and vehicles. I missed the night sky. We stayed in hotels, which is where the above picture was taken. I was perplexed as to why this warning was necessary. After being around people for a week I understood. The world is a very different place than it was when I moved out here. Perhaps I didn't realize it because I don't visit the large cities nearby. It was a great time with my friends and family, but I was sad for the condit...

Living outside of civilization has its perks, however I have some not so fun neighbors. Each year I have to deal with snakes. Out here I only have one venomous snake, the prairie rattlesnake. They're very small. Reaching only about 2 feet at their largest. They blend in very well with the dirt, and are difficult to see. I have snake shot in my 22 long revolver, in the instance I have to keep me and my animals safe. I don't prefer killing them, and I would rather not, if I can avoid it. I have read that they are very aggressive, but that's not been my experience. They just want to be left alone. This year I have had a few interactions with them, as I do every year. I've had 2 dogs get bit in the last 6 years. Both survived and haven't had any problems, fortunately. Much of the time they will rattle to warn me that they are there. Since they are so small, their rattle isn't very loud. I generally try to have my phone playing music with me, and they usu...

Recently I quit drinking. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. It was something I was very conscious of, having an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately, shortly before losing Joe, my drinking was very much out of hand. Probably fortunately I got a DUI 11 days following his death, on April Fools. I'd probably been drunk the entire time. I abstained from alcohol for 16 months, while I was on probation. I drank some of the time after that, for a while, until, once again, it got out of hand. I got my third and final DUI on New Year's Eve. I continued to drive under the influence, just not in public. Unfortunately, it didn't sink in after my third DUI either. I continued to drink excessively. I made horrible decisions constantly. I put myself and others at risk. I broke my own nose, falling down my stairs, drunk. I accepted unacceptable behavior from people, especially those that were supposed to love me. I allowed my peace to be disrupted. I de...

.                    Sunset  Once again I find myself apologizing for being so tardy in posting. I am sorry. I will most likely do it again, since life happens. I'm healing from many things. Obviously still working on grief and trauma, also recovering from a hip replacement. I'm doing very well with my new hip, and I'm doing physical therapy and walking my dogs. I wish I would have replaced it sooner. I'm dedicated to my physical health, as well as my emotional health. I'm still no contact with my previous ex. It's been 6 months. It's not always been easy to keep no contact, but it is an absolute necessity. I'm reminded by friends and family what could happen if I don't remain no contact. I'm regaining my life back. I'm beginning to realize that his behavior had nothing to do with me. I've stopped drinking. It's been 4 and a half months without a beer. I never imagined that I would quit drinking. After losing Joe, it felt like that ...