Toxic People

        pink hair for the New Year 

We're now in the throws of a new year. So far so good on my end. I hope everyone is staying warm and safe. It's been a very warm December. I'm assuming that means winter is running late. It's been cooling down at night. Thankfully I have enough wood for the winter. I love having a wood stove but it's work. I'm in the process of reinsulating my bus. When I did it originally I didn't have the money or the knowledge to do it right. I'm renovating my entire life. Like many of you, I was raised by hurt people. They did their best, but I still suffered from their broken behaviors. Their behaviors caused me to believe a lot of things about myself and the world that were not true. The most damage done is to my self worth. I have held so many incorrect beliefs for decades. I am undoing all the bullshit of the past. Setting boundaries has its consequences. I've recently been distancing myself from certain important figures in my life. This has not been done with a vengeful heart, but with full compassion for myself. For decades I have tolerated abuse, criticism, and other behaviors that I wouldn't allow from anyone else. These people are people who I love very much, but I cannot accept feeling like I'm not good enough anymore. I was raised with the notion that family is very important, and in that idea I have tolerated unacceptable and intolerable acts from certain people. Did these people hurt me out of maliciousness? Probably not, but I was deeply hurt by their actions. This is my first holiday season without these toxic people as part of my plans. Interestingly enough, I was in a better place this time. I knew that I wasn't going to be in fight or flight mode. I knew that I wouldn't have to defend myself and my decisions. I knew that I wasn't going to be berated for being a disappointment or for picking the wrong man. I wouldn't have to listen to cruel words about me or my husband or my son. When I made the difficult decision to not attend the festivities with the toxic people, I suddenly felt lighter. The holidays didn't seem like they were going to be the struggle that they had always been before. Part of the reason for my decision is that I need to protect my newly acquired sobriety. Even if that means disappointing others. As a chronic people pleaser disappointing others makes me want to throw the fuck up. I am working on my intense desire to make sure that everyone is happy. This life isn't about everyone else's happiness currently, it's about mine. I am thriving in my sobriety and I am beginning to heal from all the horrible things from my past. I hope this year brings you peace and happiness, Ceeeej 

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