Happy New Year

As the year comes to a close, I find myself taking internal inventory. Of my losses and my gains, my growth, my healing, my sobriety. As of Christmas day I am 9 months sober. Quite an accomplishment, in my opinion. I am so very proud and still a little shocked. I know that I have committed myself to many lifelong endeavors. With the new year doesn't come resolutions for me. It brings reflection and a loose plan for the future. I'm somber during the holidays, usually, but this year I didn't brace for impact. I didn't fill my schedule with visiting and baking and peopling. I've rested as much as possible. I've cried nearly every day. I miss my dear husband, especially during this time of year. I miss my family and friends who live further away. I don't like travelling in the winter, because the weather can be especially unpredictable. I travelled a lot during the holidays to visit my family as a youngster, mostly via an airplane. I also am not a fan of flying. It's crazy to imagine that this is my 8th holiday season without the man who was the best gift this girl could ask for. He loved the holidays and was like a kid. He cooked large extravagant meals and spent all day, sometimes more, in the kitchen. The first Christmas after Joe died, it was cancelled. No decorating, no tree, no nothing. My son and I did our best to get through it. This year has been less horrible than the previous ones. I have meditated every day. I have shown up as much as I can. I have tried to take extra care of myself during this time. I've cancelled appointments when I needed to. I've watched TV and laid in bed. I sent some presents to the little people in my life and my son. I didn't stress over it being perfect. I didn't overwhelm myself with doing too much or trying to be too much. I have had some mini solo dance parties in the school bus. I am grateful for everyone who loves and supports me. This time of year is difficult for so many of us. I hope you find peace and happiness in the new year, Ceeeej 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trying something new

Recently I quit drinking. I never thought I'd be an alcoholic. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. It was something I was very conscious of, having an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately, shortly before losing Joe, my drinking was very much out of hand. Probably fortunately I got a DUI 11 days following his death, on April Fools. I'd probably been drunk the entire time. I abstained from alcohol for 16 months, while I was on probation. I drank some of the time after that, for a while, until, once again, it got out of hand. I got my third and final DUI on New Year's Eve. I continued to drive under the influence, just not in public. Unfortunately, it didn't sink in after my third DUI either. I continued to drink excessively. I made horrible decisions constantly. I put myself and others at risk. I broke my own nose, falling down my stairs, drunk. I accepted unacceptable behavior from people, especially those that were supposed to love me. I allowed my peace to be disrupted. I de...
Read more

A Very Long Time Ago

Image
My mom recently sent me this picture of me from about 45 years ago. She found it in my grandma's prayer book. (She was a Catholic) It made me think back to this little girl. She was small and thin. She didn't smile often, because of silver caps on her teeth, thus the tightly pursed lips. Thankfully they were on her baby teeth. She was serious and contemplative, but could be silly and playful. She had a dry sense of humor. She loved who she loved, and protected those people fiercely. She was the youngest at this time. She adored her dad, her mom, her maternal grandparents and her brother. Her parents were separated by the time she was 3. She left her home when she was about 4. She was angry and scared, but she was excellent at hiding her feelings. She felt ugly and self conscious. She hated what she saw in the mirror, especially her hair. She was awkward and clumsy. She was already a badass, though, she didn't know that yet. She was intelligent and sharp witted. ...
Read more

Dysfunctional Romance

I fought myself about doing this post, however it was brought to my attention that it might help someone else. So, here it goes. Almost 2 years ago I met a man. He'd just gotten out of prison. He was too good looking for where I live, but I was solidly bound to my singleness. Every time he tried to talk to me my heart would race. I did my best to be aloof. He tried for 9 months to get me interested. There were many red flags and I was trying to stop drinking. He came to my house with another guy to help me chop wood, which actually didn't happen that day. We talked about many things and he had the most beautiful blue eyes. About a week later was Christmas. I had plans by myself, since I had decided to forgo the holidays. Early the morning after Christmas he called me asking if he could come over. I said yes and shortly after he was sitting on the beanbag in my bus, for the first of many times. I did my best to keep my composure. I hadn't felt like that since my late husband...
Read more