Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

According to doctors, I have had PTSD since childhood. And I suspect that I may be on the spectrum also. I am very high functioning/masking and went undiagnosed until I was in my mid 40s. Still undiagnosed on the spectrum side of things. Until after losing Joe, I thought that I was just different. It seemed like I had it all together, pretty much. I was excellent at hiding my PTSD/autism. I'd worked multiple jobs at a time, raised our tiny human, took care of almost everything, was a good wife and nurse to Joe. I did it all. I struggled with relationships with people outside of my small circle. I would talk frantically when I was uncomfortable. Meeting new people is still a struggle. I didn't realize that much of my experience was tainted by trauma and being on the spectrum. Was I merely a reaction to whatever was happening around me? After losing someone who was an integral part of my life I began to wonder who I was without him. And I began to feel like I had no idea who I wa...

Hello friends! I've been doing a lot of work lately, in all the ways. Today I am 1 year without a drink! I am so very proud of myself!! And still sometimes shocked. Joe and I were craft beer drinkers and brewers. Drinking beer had become a part of my identity. Drinking beer kept Joe here, I believed. I thought if I quit drinking another piece of him would be gone. I was wrong. I still have all of our wonderful memories and I'm finding it easier to access them. Recovery has brought many changes. The fog is lifting and I can see more clearly. Drinking was a way to drown the trauma and the grief, but only temporarily. In reality, when I stopped drinking all of that was waiting for me. I felt regret and guilt and shame and fear and anger for wasting so much time drinking. Drinking completely altered who I was. It made me into someone else. Someone I didn't like. I'm becoming someone else, in a more intentional way, this time. I'm more awkward than I've ever been, an...