Diary of a Mad Woman Gone Sane

Hello, my friends. I hope all is well for you. Yesterday I had my 2nd session of EMDR. I had decided that I needed to work through more guilt. I'm not Catholic, but I come from a long line of them. I come by my guilt honestly. I've always felt responsible and in charge of everything and everyone. Especially for someone I'd tried to keep safe and alive. This one was about my dearly departed husband. Yes, I have guilt and shame around his death, because I was his caregiver and I was his wife and the mother of his child. Yes, I have survivors guilt also. Ultimately, I'm trying to convince myself that I did the very best I could. Which is true, absolutely, but it is difficult to convince myself, because he is not here. To me, that feels like failure. Unfortunately I couldn't have prevented his death and the most amazing thing is that I did my best to give him a life, not just keep him alive. And help him get his dreams. And give him a son, and a family. I'm trying t

I hope June finds you all well. Recently I have had many changes. One of the most important changes I am making is a therapy type called EMDR, Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Since I have experienced multiple traumas in my life, I have been in therapy for several years. I have gone through a variety of therapy types. I don't think everyone benefits from therapy, but I have. I decided after losing Joe that I could no longer do it alone. For 4 decades, I had been a high functioning person with PTSD. I had no idea that I had PTSD. I thought people had to go to war to have PTSD, but my life has been horrible at times. Those experiences make me who I am, however I didn't want to be pulled around my life anymore by the traumas. I have found meditation excellent, especially for myself as I am a breath holder. EFT, Emotion-focused therapy, also known as tapping, is very effective, and your brain does all the work. Neurofeedback is effortless and starts repair